MLC W with OM, Part 12

[ciluzen]

Hmmmm. I guess my post might have been misinterpreted. Being a victim IS viewed as a negative. No one wants to be one.

I was responding to Wet's explanation of how he was emotionally unhealthy before, as opposed to now. There HAS been a major shift. But, as I see it, major change comes from an event that caries a large negative feel to it. A NEED to change. This is what BD is. It makes you a victim in that it was a negative event that was, through one means or another at that time in your life, not within your control. Yes, looking back, maybe you could have done things differently to avoid or forsee what happened, but at the time...bomb was dropped, landed on your head, and "boom"...you are a victim.

In the ensuing chaos after BD, I believe we also begin to see how we allowed things to happen that we would not have chosen, but allowed because we loved the other person and "made sacrifices" to make them happy. Their happiness was more important than our comfort. For instance, Wet's W's pet breeding business. He allowed himself to be victimized, made to feel unable to control an uncomfortable situation because it would make W unhappy. No matter how unsanitary and disruptive the situation. Truly, we can make ourselves a "victim of love".

I believe it does create a victim mentality. I think most people on these boards come here as victims of a traumatic BD or a traumatic experience with their relationship. They give their story and seek answers to fight back...to regain some control in their lives. We see the victim mentality with every poster. "Why is this happening to me?", "My S did such and such to me", "I can't stop crying", "How can I ever feel better?". This is hard to break out of. The struggle is real.

Wet, your shift to being more emotionally healthy is a sign of you taking control of your life and feeling more in control of your life. It is what people on this board are aiming for. That's all I was trying to say. I saw your statement about making sacrifices to please another and it resonated with me because I did the same. Lost myself in the process and then felt victimized when my H BDed. Fighting through that feeling is hard, and I felt you are really turning it around. Cheering you on.