Dunno. Not angry, just very sad I guess. Definitely not depressed about it, and not sorrowful either. More like a resigned, slightly heavy, sadness.
I struggled for so long taking my H's word for everything, trying to do my best, be supportive of him and his choices, take on everything he was saying and the criticisms that he eventually he was making of me (these were going for on for a couple of years before he left in October).
Now I'm reframing everything from my perspective. There is no anger or vitriol or vindictiveness, just more of a making my own version of events of the past five, six, seven years.
And a heavy sadness at the shattering of the illusions I had about what I thought M meant. I remember talking about this with my IC a while back. 'What's the point in getting married then? Why not just 'go out' with someone?' I remember asking her when we were talking about my H's actions, his change of heart regarding our M, and our clearly differing views about commitment. It's the one question I asked that she didn't have anything to say back to me.
I still don't have an answer for that. At the moment, all it seems to do is complicate resolving an apparently endless stream of practical issues. And jeez, for you guys with kids out there, I have no idea how you cope. I am *full* of admiration for you guys.
I know that I'm still very much in the middle of a whole process, I can definitely feel it. And there is no easy, quick way out. The only path is right through it all, through all the feelings and the roller coaster.
I think when you stand right back from it all, the feeling that I'm left with is that I'm worth so much more than this. I'm worth so much more than the way I've been treated by my H, for all these years.
All of that really sapped away at my already quite low levels of self esteem. And weirdly, all of this that's happened since October has ultimately done the opposite. Isn't life strange?
