Onward and Forward

[Lifes Twists]

New thread;

old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2541121&page=10

[Lifes Twists]

Hi ciluzen,

Its really tough walking the tight rope we are all walking.

I have written a letter to her counselor outlining all that is going on.

I have had several bad days now with youngest daughter. I can understand her anger with the whole situation. Its part of the grief process. The problem is I think she is stuck in the anger part and not moving on from it.

My biggest issue is the disrespect. I want the best for her like any parent. When she uses F"yxx to me and throw a hissy fit temper tantrum it is going to far. Today I finally said to her through her closed door that I was not going to accept that any more. I told her from here on out that each time she is disrespectful that she would loose her privilege to drive the car for a day. I feel like my hands are tied and that I do need to set some boundaries on how she will treat me and what the consequence is if she violates it.

[ciluzen]

LT,

I'm glad you wrote a letter to the counselor giving them a "heads up" on your daughter's behavior. I hope he/she is helpful. This is such a difficult time for us (the S), but our children end up suffering as well, especially with intense feelings of lack of control. That scramble to control the situation (and pain) can really play a number on them.

One of the best things you, as a parent, can do is to not be reactive in the face of anger and name calling (spew). She is seeking attention, any attention. Ignore or be non-reactive in the face of it. If she cusses you out, remain calm and continue with what you were saying. If you were done, just walk away. Don't reward her with a reaction.
But on the flip side, reward the good behavior...even go overboard a bit. Reward the good, ignore the bad. If you get a thank you, thank her for being polite. If she picks up her shoes from the entryway without grumbling, take notice and thank her for being considerate. Ask her if she'd like to go shoe shopping (overboard, but pretty darn rewarding). Positive attention for positive behavior. "Catch her being good".

The other piece to the puzzle; firm boundaries. One day without the privilege of driving the car is merely inconvenient. She can then behave badly and know...its only a day. NO CAR speaks volumes. Good behavior earns it BACK for only a day. The car is a privilege, not a right. That's something for her to think about when she is going to choose her actions.

As for her feelings, that's what talking and touching base are about. Validation and active listening are not only great for marriage relationships, they work for kids, too. Find time to ask about her without seeming to pry. Start with spot sharing of your own feelings. "Ugh, I had a frustrating day. How did yours go? Anything fun or exciting?".

Parenting is hard. Parenting with the extra issues of teen angst and separation/divorce issues is harder. My kids are grown (one married) and out of the house and they have a lot of trouble with our "surprise" of impending D and H's MLC. A lot. They still need their mom and dad so it still hurts.

[Lifes Twists]

Update:

The counselor got back to me this week in regards to my letter about daughter. She said she never expected this and will dig into it with my daughter.

My ex continues to slowly emerge. She had pulled back during the winter and I am certain during that period she was once again trying the dating site. Now that her head is more clear than last time she appears to not have found anyone and has stopped again as communication and interaction between us has increased.

Yesterday she asked me to get an ice cream cake for our soon to be 17 year old's birthday. This is the first time since this all started that she has talked about a birthday let along involve me in it.

As I said communication has increased. She initiates texts now and responds more readily when I text her. A new behavior is that she has called me and also answered my calls.

Tonight we are doing pictures with my youngest before her prom. Tomorrow night will be the birthday.

It has been interesting to watch her poke her head out a little more each time she does.

My take on all that has gone on is that it takes beyond average patience to do what we are all doing in dealing with an MLCer. It gets extremely frustrating at times. You have to learn a great deal about your self and what you are capable of handling.

I continue to move forward, be the best father I can, and explore life and myself. I have no idea where this will eventually end up. I have learned to not allow myself to have false hopes, to see things that are not really there. I don't push or rush thing. I do invite her to participate in doing things with our daughters. It is her choice to be involved or not.

[123Gwen]

LT - I admire your patience and your acceptance of things right now. It is very difficult but your girls will remember how you've been there for them. That is an amazing legacy for these young women.

[Lifes Twists]

A little update:

Yesterday I installed a new catalytic converter in her car as she would not have had enough money to pay to have it done. I had her pay for the parts I just installed it. It saved her $800.00. She thanked me.

While dropping off the car she asked me if I wanted to sign the birthday card with her for our daughter. First time in a long time that we have both signed a card together.

We celebrated the birthday about 6:30 pm. I had already spent a great deal on my daughter for her prom and other stuff so did not get her any kind of present. When my ex gave my daughter a gift bag full of the stuff and the card My daughter asked who it was from. My ex took me completely by surprise when she respond," Your father and me." I am not going to read a lot into this, but definitely had a nice warm feeling when she did this.

I am not sure if I should acknowledge this and thank her for including me in the gift. If I say something will it push her away, if i don't will it push her away.

[bttrfly]

Hi LT,
This is my new perspective, take it for what it's worth:

What do you want to do? Life's too short to be dithering about outcomes. Damn the torpedoes, Carpe Diem and all that.

It was kind of your wife to say that. she thanked you for the auto repair, you could do the same in the same vein for the bday gift. Just my $.02 ... hope you continue to feel better. xoxoxoxo

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Everyone, here is an update:

I start a new job tomorrow with a significant increase in salary. I am glad to be away from the last place I worked. The VP there was such an insecure person that he had the need to belittle or accuse you of doing wrong virtually every day with out any real cause or reason to build up his own limited self image. I have one last battle coming up with this individual as he has chosen to fight my being awarded unemployment for the few weeks that I was unemployed.

My girls continue their individual struggles to grow up and deal with what has gone on. I continue to give advice and support when requested.

My relationship with the ex continues to slowly improve. We now readily communicate and co parent together. This is a big step forward from no communication and having the police called on you.

I believe that she is testing me on things to see what kind of reaction I will have. Our wedding anniversary would have been last week on a day that was terribly hot and oppressive. I was with her a couple days after and she made the comment that we were luckily our wedding day was not that hot and humid or she would have melted. This was the first time since this all started that she mentioned the anniversary. I was shocked that she mentioned it and responded that I did not bring up the date as it might be uncomfortable for her. She responded that it was part of our history. Little things like this or recognizing my birthday are more easily happening.

There is no relationship talk at this point. We are planing a week long trip with our youngest daughter and one of her friends to visit some colleges my youngest is interested in. The trip is taking place during the last week of July. We will be camping and ex and I will share a tent while the two girls use another. The last three days of the trip will be spent camping on the outerbanks, a place we had spent many good times together in the past.

I don't want to bring up any relationship stuff or do a temperature check before the trip. If the trip goes well should I do a temperature check right afterwards or should I just continue to roll along the way things are?

[job]

Congratulations on the new job! I'm sorry the VP is being a total jerk and yes, he is definitely an insecure person. I worked w/one of those for 7 months and then I left too. It really does make a difference when you work w/people who are secure in their jobs and in themselves. One more stressor down for you!

Things are slowly progressing w/your wife. I would continue as I have been for a while longer. You don't want to do a temperature until maybe a month or so after the trip. That will give her some time to reflect back on the trip and how things went. Don't rush the process!

Good luck tomorrow!

[bttrfly]

so happy for you re the new job!!
re the temp check, play it by ear ? you aren't even in the trip yet. know what i mean jellybean?

xoxoxo