Thanks nitaf and Wiley for your continued support!
Db'ing is more of a natural response then a forced response now a days, but goodness it is still hard.
My entire childhood (okay even early adulthood) my family continuously told me how "Life is only as difficult as you make it". Well if this is the case, Karma must be paying me back for things I have done in my past lives, because I do not remember making the choice to make life this difficult. LOL
Xh has been attentive for the last couple of days, still not giving in to the urge to "talk". We are both on Vacation next week, do not have any plans because the tentative plans we made fell through because of his house sitch. I can not complain about not having a "schedule to follow" (although I am an incredibly organized person), WE are looking forward to spending as much time as possible with each other. Very Exciting
Lots of love,
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Well gang it's been a few days since I last posted, so here goes.
I have been in a crummy mood for the last few days. Trying to make it better. Wednesday I had a "girlie" apt with a new Dr., She was trying to get my back ground and I guess getting to know me. She asked me how I have been and how I am doing on Wellbutrin. I explained to her that I feel more emotional but that more than likely its because of all the stress I am going through with my mom and XH. Well, she sat in there for over an hour talking to me, she gave me a lot of great advise on how I should be and need to be with my H and how I do not need to worry about my moms heart, how she will be fine as long as she follows the cardiologist's directions. She also expressed concern about the way I am handling the miscarriage I had before H and I separated, she looked me in the eyes and told me that it was not my fault and that I need to forgive myself for this (How did she know I still had repressed emotions about this?). Wow, by the time I left her office I was in tears but I felt so relieved. It's almost as though she was sent to talk to me from the man above.
Yesterday was a little better but today I am in the best mood. I cannot remember the last time I felt the way I do today.
Tonight is a girls night out, I invited Xh to go but he is so busy packing I dont think he will join us. I hope all of you are doing well. Ya'll are always in my thoughts and prayers!
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Well after a rocky road which I though would end up great The alien came back in full force...
Let me explain... Friday night I went out with some friends, I called Xh around 8:30 to tell him we were going to point B incase he wanted to take a break and meet up with us and have a drink. I did not hear from him, which I did not think twice about but... After my friends and I went to a couple of bars we ended up at a Western Bar. I walked in and saw Xh's cousin, I told him hello and introduced him to my friends, He (the cousin) was quick to tell me that I did not see him there, He and his wife are having problems, then procedes to tell me that XH is there also. I was shocked but did not lead on. I told cousin "Cool, well I will talk to you later." Not two minutes later XH was at the table with my friends and myself, I introducted him to my friends and acted as if nothing was wrong with the sitch. We danced and talked, he would go back and forth from his cousin and friend to me and my friends. Everytime we danced he explained the sitch to me, how his cousin never gets out, the girl that was with them is his bosses XW, how she still loves him (his boss) so much, but he (his boss)is with someone else, blah blah blah... The entire time my friend told me how I should be mad and that it is obvious he does not care about my feelings. I had to stop her in mid sentence at one point. Granted she was there during the initial split but she has no clue how much I have grown in this whole ordeal. I calmly and as politely as possible explained to her that I know what I am doing, that I refuse to show my A$$ and I am not going to let this ruin my night, lets please talk about something else. Her husband did make the comment to me that he (XH) will think a lot about me because I am not showing it bothers me.
When Xh left the bar, he knew I was not leaving at that moment, he told me to call him on my way home. I was upset and did not call him. He calls me while I am driving home and asks me 50 million questions as to why I did not call him. I told him I figured he was busy or asleep.
Later that morning we talk and we had the R talk. We were talking about the night before, I had stated how much fun I had and it was a surprize seeing him there. I asked him if he had gotten my messages and why he didn't tell me he was going out so I could of met up with him since I was on that side of town. He told me he did not know why he did not let me know he was going out, he said he guessed he did not think he needed to let me know things of this nature. I said what? People in a R keeps the lines of communication open between them. He then tells me that he thought we were "dating", he loves spending time with me and he loves me with all his heart he just has to have time to find his self. He doesn't know who he is anymore and that he wants to beable to go out with friends. How he went from being M to the love of his life to a R that should of never happened, and if we are going to get back together he needs to be able to clear his head to make sure this is what he wants and also ensure he will be the best partner he could be. His next words were "I got this from you, you told me how you took the time to clear your head and thats what I think I need, I still want to spend time with you and do things together. I want you to spend time with my family, and I want to spend time with your family, I want you to be a part of Drew's (new nephew) life, etc." I continually told him how much I understood, how I thought it was a great idea, etc. I did tell him how I allowed myself to be misleaded, I guess I read too much into what has been happening between us; looking for houses, planning our future etc. He then tells me how I am the love of his life, he loves me with all his heart, and that "US" buying a house and being together is not out of the question, as a matter of fact he sees us being together in the end.
What is this? He wants the benifits of being in a R without the title of being in a R? For example I left his house Sunday afternoon and went home, I fell asleep and did not answer his calls or any one elses for that matter and he gives me a hard time the next day about being with someone else, how I should just tell him who I was with etc. Another example, we went to lunch Monday, my phone rings I answer it and tell the caller that I was having lunch and I would return the call at a later time. When I hang up he asks me "Who was that? Who is calling you?" I said "Why? Why do you want to know"
So okay what the hell is going on here????? Any ones view would be appreciated. Why is he grilling me about my whereabouts but yet I'm supposed to be okay with his secrets...
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
nitaf- Thanks for responding. By the way where is your new thread now a days?
I have no idea if he wants a little free time or if he is confused, or if he is just testing me, there is always the possibility he is having second thoughts.
I continuously explained to him how I understand his feelings, how I think it is a great idea for him to figure out who he is, I even suggested he get a self-help book. I am trying very hard to be as supportive as I can be.
I, like many of you, had this transitional time, I had the time to figure out who the me with out him was. And this in turn made me a better person. The thing that gets me the most is that we had this discussion when we first talked about getting back together, I asked him if he needed to take time to figure this out. He told be absolutely not, he knew he wanted to be with me and that he wanted to work on our R & possible M. I know things change, dont get me wrong I believe it is a great idea for him to "spread his wings" (for lack of better words), and get to know himself again. The only problem I have with this is that I feel as though we should have had this conversation earlier. It's a respect thing and here I feel like a fool thinking things are going along a certain path then they take a nose dive.
Another problem I face is that he wants his space, which I am respecting, but yet he still acts like we are a couple. Asking me and questioning me about my whereabouts and such.
Now there are two reasons I can think of for him being so whishy washy... 1. Most obvious I think. He is confused, he wants the time to spread his wings but does not want to loose me. 2. Not as obvious. He has something going on and thats why he is accusing me of doing what I am not doing. I know, I know... Halo, dont ASSume!
For Goodness sake, he has always been able to get ahold of me, he knows basicially everything I do, he on the other hand has gone days with out returning my calls, He does not let me know what he is doing or where he is going. Granted most of the time I do not ask but hello what is the real issue?
The questions about me being with someone else really gets to me. I wanted to tell him "look, you have no idea what I have gone through and how misreable I have been with out you, how hard I have worked on becoming a better person not only for myself but for the slim chance we would have another chance at "US", do you really thing I would screw up this chance I have worked and prayed so hard to have? And how there is nothing more important in my life than to be happy and in love with the love of my life, how I have had day dreams of how wonderful our R & M will be, I am in a much better place in my life, I know what I want and I know together we can have a R & M that will forever grow, we have the resources at hand that will ensure we have an everlasting love, the kind of R & M on lookers will see and say "I want to be loved like that couple loves each other". " There is so much I want to share with him, I want him to be in every aspect of my life. I have to continue to stay strong and not give up on my dreams. Although it is very hard right now. All I want to do is cry.
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Halo, I wish I had an answer for you but I don't. Maybe he is confused right now......... I don't know. The thing that we do know is that we only have control of our own actions and behaviors so concentrate on Halo and being happy with your life right now. I am here to lean on.
I have to start a new thread. I am trying to think of a title....
Hi Halo - Wow, what a turn Sounds like XH needs to understand the rules of dating games, both parties agree to modus operandi. Certainly if he wants to do his own thing, he then cannot be expecting something different from you. This has nothing to do with XOW, but how you and XH establish your new relationship. You may have to get clearer with him, Halo.
I'm sorry the alien is back, but I also have faith that you can handle the bugger. Slowly.
hi halo, yeah I agree with slowly. I think he is confused right now and not too sure on the dating thing. You do need to talk to him about how and what direction you wish to go regarding the dating so that you both can go into this knowing what is expected of eachother. This way no ASSuming will go on. Assuming things just causes more trouble and confession--god heaven knows we don't need more of that!!
Very Exciting
Sounds like XH needs to understand the rules of dating games, both parties agree to modus operandi. Certainly if he wants to do his own thing, he then cannot be expecting something different from you. This has nothing to do with XOW, but how you and XH establish your new relationship. You may have to get clearer with him, Halo.