Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo

[Phoebe]

Thank you Sotto, SH, and Painter. It means so much to me that you are looking in on me.

I feel like I'm kind of going back into the denial phase again. I want to just go curl up somewhere and hope it all just goes away. I know it will not, and I behave accordingly, but I'm always aware of an urge to run and hide.

I know I'm supposed to not look at social media, but on the other hand, until the legal process gets going, it is a way for me to watch to see if he's blowing money on stupid stuff. And it let me know that our vintage camper is sitting out on the street, basically uninsured against theft or anything else.

It doesn't help that FaceBook keeps suggesting OW as someone I might know. Ugh. No thank you!

So i have spent a lot of great time with my family over the last 3 days and it has been wonderful. I got to see extended family for the interment service and I had lots of time to spend with my brother whom I only see every few years (he lives quite far away). Plus, I had extra time with my parents, doing things we don't usually do together. Brother and I went to antique shops, we all went out to dinner together, we had a cookout a different day, and we even went out to a movie. I really enjoyed having all 4 of us together again for a while.

It helped me today, especially, after seeing my camper being shared with the OW. This is going to sound stupid, but it almost makes me feel worse than the extramarital sex issue. Sharing his body is one thing, but sharing our LIFE? Our camper, our house, taking her back to our college campus, going hiking. WTF?

If our life together was so awful that he had to run away from it, then why did he go find someone who likes so many things that I like and why is he walking her through the life we had together? Going to our old haunts? Can someone help me understand this? It's like he's trying to write her in over top of the real history.

Today was kind of a bummerific day before our family night out. I was starting to get pretty down and have been looking forward to seeing my therapist all weekend. We went to see the movie Nice Guys (with Russel Crowe and Ryan Gosling), which was really much better and funnier than I expected. It's a LBS safe movie, too, so I recommend it. Not for kids, of course, but if you can handle language and some violence it's worth a watch. Everyone in the theater was laughing.

I'm feeling under the gun about this legal nightmare looming ahead of me. My L friend tells me to sit tight, that I have al the time in the world for a response due in early July.

So, while I'm trying to sit tight, I'll be calling the local divorce L tomorrow to get his advice and probably set up an appointment to see him for an hour to try to get a realistic assessment about the jurisdiction issue. I still haven't been served officially. Apparently the local servers are incompetent. I mean 9 days and still nothing?

So, maybe it was missed in the new thread shuffle, but the new L friend invited me for a weekend trip already. After knowing him for a week!?!? I declined, of course. I need a friend, but that's got to be all. Never mind that he's not my type at all (I'm really not attracted to anyone right now), and he's his own kind of mess, but I am in no condition to be dealing with any romantic entanglements, nor will I be for some time. What's the deal? Why am I running across this so early in my friendship-seeking? Is there something appealing about the heartbroken? Any thoughts?

Tomorrow I am meeting a woman from a previous MeetUp for a hike. My plans to go with her last week got goofed up, but tomorrow we're going to my favorite state park. Instead of post-therapy-hiking, I'm doing it ahead of time! Therapist is afterward, and then I have to take my car to the dealer to do the work I missed because of Thursday's wonderful news about WH v. Phoebe being officially filed.

When will the barrage of new and painful information jabs taper off?

I feel more resilient than I was, but it still makes me sad to think about the altered trajectory of my life. I just try to keep taking it one day at a time.