That sounds brutal. My heart aches for you. It's hard not to look & see what they are up to. Even though you know it's going to hurt, there is also this part of you that needs to verify and wants the reality check. I think it makes us think we will let go if we can only see that it is real. It's so hard to accept this man we loved so much could do that. I fell into my own trap several times.
There was one night where I just knew he was at her place. So I took a slightly inconvenient route home and drove by. Yup, there was my car parked out front, and it was the car I usually drove. Even though the kids were not with him, one of the carseats was still in the car, because it usually stayed in place. Just seeing MY baby's carseat, in MY car, parked near her place, well it was the biggest punch in the gut. I fell so hard.
I did several things like this to try and force reality on myself. I don't know exactly why, but perhaps I was looking to be angry, and maybe if I got angry enough, I could let him go and move forward. .... The problem was, it never worked out that way. It just hurt. And hurt. Every time. I think I may have been in as much a fog as he was.
So if you feel the urge to look and verify, that's ok and normal. But it's going to hurt. A lot. I think you deserve less hurt right now. That's all. I am so sorry you are going through this. Not even sure what else to say :-(
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
