C, I don't think of myself as a victim in any way. I haven't always felt that way, but looking back, I realize I did what I did. No regrets, no excuses. But I do see some similarities in Wet's posting, to my own.
It's been a long time since BD for me. Another lifetime ago. And looking back, I do see some times I did some things that, at the time, I thought was the right thing to do for my relationship. In the context of being married (joined in my mind), I saw it as a team effort. If one of the team needed some help, then the other needed to provided that. We were working toward a common goal. That's not just me saying it, my ex told me once she "couldn't be the good little wife anymore" and I took that as her not being on the same team any longer (amongst other things.) I had to explore this to understand if it was just my perception or the ramblings of a MLCr. Or both
I think what I'm hearing from Wet is the more honest look back at a long running imbalance in the relationship. At the time, I doubt it was perceived that way. That's not Wet's way from what I'm gathering. It wasn't mine, I do know that.
All along it has been my steadfast goal to not re-remember history. What is, is. What was, was. Not excuses, no revisions. And if I'm honest, I had a pretty good marriage for a lot of years. But there were some imbalances to be sure. One of those was similar to what Wet describes. And I think that's a normal thing in the sense that we try to fill a void, when presented with it. In a healthier relationship, that void is temporary in my experiences.
I'm wondering if in Wet's, it wasn't temporary. If, looking back it turns out that things weren't as good in the relationship for longer than previously expressed and thought.
Maybe. Maybe not. But I do feel it is worth exploring for the sake of perspective.
At no time do I believe that any of us are victims though. We always have choices. We often choose based on reference (what we view as "normal" whether FOO or societal norms) from what I've seen and experienced.
Come to think of it, what do I know anyway?
What do you think, Wet?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
