You likely know very little about me , but I will give you the short story rather than the navel gazing, therapy, self help book ladened version.
I am 44. Didn't start dating till I was 29, lost my virginity to a guy I thought may have turn out to be the one, why because he liked me and wanted to sleep with me. lol oh how sad I was.
I dated through my early 30's, meeting men, who only ever wanted an "in between" the rugby, or TV or work or the sheets (if you know what I mean). I believed everyone of them was going to the one. They never were.
Then when I was 35 I met THE ONE- known on the board as Mr M. He was everything I thought he would be - and everything I didn't need in a man (my therapist argues that he was the Mr Right, I needed to start a personal journey in self worth - which in some regards I don't necessarily disagree with). So the relationship we did, well as close to a relationship Mr M could do with a girl like me. Turns Mr Unavailable or Mr Non-committment should have been a more appropriate name for him. So after two years on and off and then me going overseas and coming back and is trying "again". It did finally died a death in August 2012 with him moving out of town for work. Apparently my need to know if he would be seeing other people in his new town, was me being too needy while he was trying to settle and "make friends". We remain in touch from a distance, he refuses to tell his new partner that he talks to me. I find that extremely uncomfortable and dishonest on his behalf.
I attempted to date after Mr M, but heart was not in it and all my insecurities about why I was also an "in between girl" were branded over my forehead. I don't know what happened but I think I got a life and immersed myself in myself and then rather surprisingly Mr Ex turned up , with great smile and gorgeous hazel eyes and ability to communicate about anything (or so I thought). Turns Mr Ex is one of those people, where nothing gets them down and you get over everything in two minutes, because you know - when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Well turns out I like to suck on the sour juice of the lemons for a while, just to know how sour they are, so when I make my lemonade I know how much sugar to add. Lets just that my more sensitive, emotional world view did little more than frustrate his inability to access any negative emotion whatsoever. Also it turns when someone tells you that they don't need a marriage certificate to be committed and have your back, you might now want to believe them.
So what am I telling you, I have serial dated since I was 29 years old, had two relationships where I felt I had met the man of my dreams, I have never been engaged never been married (two things I would love to be) and I will never have children ( something I would also love). I took myself out of dating when my three year relationship with Mr Ex ended. I was so devastated about the fact that a three year relationship with me, ended in him meeting the love of his life only three months later.
I gave myself a year to figure my stuff out, well to actually haul my glorious fat arse out of a major mental health breakdown. But here I am, sure I joke about being Bridget Jones archetype spinster with dried up ovaries, either being eaten by alsatians or being a crazy cat lady (I'm allergic to cats and don't like them very much so likely they would have been imaginary),but I very much want to be with a kind and loving man, who wants to love me and spend his time with me. I'm not looking for all the bells and whistle's I wanted in the past, just a good committed man, who likes me enough to think, yeah I love the time I spend with her I feel good when I'm with her.
I've come to accept that I could spend the rest of my life on my own. Any man would be a bonus. I know you think like that too, because I read your posts Ginger. This is just the time to lick your wounds and have a bucket load of chocolate, regroup and see where your at.
Dating and being open to meeting a "someone" is exhausting it feels like I have done for a 1000 years and crapped out every time. But as you said to Zues there are no guarantee's. When you have you self worth and esteem back intact, you'll find you optimism about life and love again. It's strange, it's like gravity.
I always remind myself when I feel particularly low about myself and abilities as a partner, that I almost killed myself over the feelings of being rejected by Mr Ex, I can't imagine why I would ever let a man every again determine if my life is worth living.
When you're ready Ginger, for now just be YOU!! (Well always be you!)
