Lost in Fangorn Forest

[Zues126]

Ginger, I think we sort the people we hang out with by their values all the time, and we each have our own deal breakers.

Let's take alcoholism. My best friend doesn't drink. I do have a few friends that drink more than I would feel comfortable with, but not out of control, and it doesn't impact them or me. I can hang with that. BUT- if someone was drinking and driving, endangering other people on the road, and oblivious to the consequences or responsibility...I would not be friends with that person. That would be a deal breaker. I might let them know why and encourage them to get help, but until that behavior changed I wouldn't want to be too close.

There are all kinds of spectrum of what we consider to be a mere difference of opinion, versus a destructive and unacceptable behavior. I happen to feel that 'divorcers' are very destructive to our society, and based on what I've been through I don't want anything to do with them.

This might change with time. I don't believe my commitment to divorce will wane, but my distaste for associating with divorcers could. We'll see. There are people that are extremely liberal that don't let that impact friendships with conservatives. But there are also people that lost a family member to a drunk driver that will never associate with a drunk driver voluntarily. In my mind divorcers are closer to drunk drivers that kill families than simply people that share a different stance on political issues. But again, we'll see what the future holds.

As for the 'no guarantees' thing, it's true there is no 100% that a relationship would fail. But if we're on the same page that we wouldn't enter a relationship that was guaranteed to fail, then the follow up is how much risk can we accept? I understand there is risk inherent in everything, and I don't intend to miss out on my life by hiding under my covers jaded that I don't get those guarantees. But while there are no guarantees, there are still good risks and bad risks. For example, if there was a guy that had initiated 12 divorces, I think that would be a bad risk because it is incredibly hard to imaging that working out. All I'm saying is that to me at this time getting remarried seems like a bad risk in general.

RD and Ginger both, I am not carving anything in stone. Just talking about what makes sense to me today. I reserve the right to change as I grow as a person. Some of the questions I am asking are for that very reason. I'm asking myself these questions, trying to sort through the difference in my core beliefs versus emotional reactions to some wounds and pain. I don't know where all of those lines are, so this is helpful to my healing. I don't know where I'll end up once I've made as close to a full recovery as I can. But I do know for sure some wounds will never entirely heal, and that my underlying stance against divorce IS belief based and not just a mood I'm in. Beyond that I'll have to wait and see.

Thanks for the good conversation.