Uncharted Waters

[2Times2Many]

Thank you Sotto, Esame and Job for your thoughts and prayers for my sister. They are going to try a new drug for her, so hopefully that will help.

Sorry for my rant last night. I guess we all need to blow off steam once in a while. Esame, my H was my source of strength as well ... my rock for so many years. Life does get tough when you find yourself flying solo. But H did kind of step up to the plate today.

H called this morning and started with an apology for not calling on Saturday. We ended up talking for over an hour. None was specifically R related and only about 3 minutes were about business. It was very much like the conversation we had when he was here last time. I can't recall the last time we talked that long on the phone about things other than business, so it was very different from that respect.

I honestly expressed some of my inner struggles and he quietly listened. When I was done, he said I have this cycle that is about 2 1/2 months long. He said I do just fine and then something comes along that is like the proverbial straw and I react. He said that if/when I lash out at him that it doesn't get to him ... that he just knows me better than anyone and he accepts who I am and knows I'll work through it. I thanked him for his patience, tolerance and understanding. He just kind of laughed and said I didn't need to thank him for that.

That exchange led to some pretty deep discussions about life, happiness, direction, etc. He made some interesting remarks.

H said neither of us had any real direction right now (and added that my lack of direction was not of my choosing). He said we had always had a direction and/or a goal and that's one of the reasons we had worked so well together ... we were both goal oriented. He said he's no longer looking at the big, grand goals that he used to or like the ones we undertook (and he noted that we succeeded in all our big goals). He said he was now focusing on smaller goals and suggested I do the same. He said maybe that's part of growing older ... shaving back the goals or breaking them down into smaller chunks.

He said he has no idea where he's headed or what the future holds. He said we were "both the same."

Then he said some interesting things about happiness. I referenced his remark about looking inside for happiness and asked him if he found happiness inside, because when I looked inside, there just wasn't anything there ... at least not the sustainable happiness we all want.

He said no and that he didn't have happiness inside. He said he thought about what was the happiest day of his life. He described something we had done on a trip shortly after we started dating and said the surroundings and what we saw were awesome but what made it the happiest day of his life was that I was there. I told him what I considered the happiest day of my life (which involved him) and he said ... see, we're both alike. We derive our happiness from the outside and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just how we are and (again) we're both the same.

He brought up again our past R (pre-MLC) and said he thought our R was a once in a lifetime type of R and we had set the bar too high. He compared our R to Nirvana! I just agreed with him and said perhaps that's why I have no desire to even consider a new relationship because I wouldn't find the kind we had and I didn't want to settle for anything less. He said he didn't want to settle either.

We ended the convo with him telling me to go enjoy my trip. He said not to feel guilty about going while my S is in the hospital. He said I needed a break and he wanted me to go have some fun for myself and I could take care of family when I got back.

I thanked him for being so supportive and for letting me talk. I told him that sometimes stuff just gets backed up in my mind and it has to come out ... I just don't have anyone other than IC to say that kind of stuff to. He said he didn't either and sometimes he just needed to talk as well. I told him to call anytime he liked and he said he "may" take me up on that offer.

So, Job ... is there any significance to recalling our past R so fondly and talking about how great it was and how his happiest day was because I was there? I just wonder because this is 180 degrees from the days when he couldn't find anything at all good to say about anything we had ever done together. I have to admit, it's really nice to hear some of the things he's saying now but I have no idea how that affects or what that may mean for the sitch and where his head is??? I'd appreciate your thoughts, as well as those of anyone else who wants to chime in.