There's the codependent behavior. There's the paradoxical behavior where I believed I was doing right by my wife, but in fact I was putting too much pressure on her instead of taking responsibility for my own happiness.
Yep, that is what I have read too. Being a devote husband and father and provider who is completely selfless... What kind of woman would want that? They'd rather a guy who is out drinking with his buddies all the time, having fun without the family, leaving them home to rot, no good solid career goals, etc... someone "fun." Or, better yet, have kids with the devote father with a good career, collect child support from him, get free time from the kids by "allowing" him partial custody, and then go out and have fun, the best of all worlds! Think I'm a little bitter?
OFP, I really hear you. I struggled with this greatly. Still do. As I felt rejected and humiliated without knowing why (I was devoted, never did any of the things that many of the people on this thread's partners did-A's, etc) and still experienced her withdraw and felt her contempt rise for me. I looked around and saw all the **shole guys doing their thing and couldn't understand what was happening to me. After all, I was doing everything right.
I don't know why this happens. And I don't think it's every W or partner that reacts in the way my W did. What I've read is that for many W, it's caused by biology and ingrained male/female roles.
When a man devotes everything to his partner, he loses himself, and his own identity. He begins to act for someone's else's identity. He does (or appears to) lose his passion, his drive for life. He loses his hobbies, his friends. All these were things that his partner was attracted to in the first place. he avoids conflict, trying to keep the peace at any cost. Often in my place, less out of cowardice, but more out of really wanting to not a another stressor on my W's increasingly difficult life. Over time, this leads to small, but cumulative repression of your own desires, needs, etc. This causes your partner to lose trust in you because they feel like they are not experiencing your true self. And (and I don't understand this), apparently they lose trust in a man who doesn't have his own purpose in life. Loss of trust leads to loss of respect, leads to loss of attraction, and anger and resentment on their part. I.e., why won't you step up as a man?
Sadly, being a good father and husband does not seem to be enough. When I saw my W's difficult journey in a male-dominated career, and her struggles with spending so much time with the kids, I doubled down on being nicer, and putting her needs constantly first. I actually took pride and saw it my life's mission to help my wife achieve her dreams, which I felt would be best for our family. My passion was my family.
It pushed her away even more. A very sad, confusing, feeling for me.
Now, I am not saying this is every partner. Far from it. Here in this forum, we are meeting women with nice guy partners who have done far more hurtful things than I have. To me, its incredible that Blu is fighting to craft a new, loving, marriage, even in the face of what her H has done.
Coming back around to the unfairness of it all. And I am speaking for me right now. This is my current path. I have tried to stop resenting what's happening to me. Taking responsibility for my own life, detaching, trying to GAL and 180 makes me less of a victim. And mainly it was because doe eyed devotion didn't work for me. Once my W got to a certain point, all my loving actions, just turned her off more. I felt like an unpopular high school freshman professing his love to the head cheerleader, only to have her tell him what a great guy he is and how she's sure there's someone special our there for him. All this with my partner of over 20 years.
So my changes away from following her around the house, trying to do nice things for her, crying, begging for hugs, etc, are adopting the chapter of DR, which talks about stopping going down cheeseless tunnels. What I was doing was not working so i have to try something else. And I'll need to find myself again, if I'm going to save this M, or to make sure my next relationship is more healthy.
To be clear, this is not a license to 180 into a uncaring jerk. Some nice guys think, oh now I've just got to be like those other completely selfish guys out there. But I, at least, feel like I've got to develop my outside life, my outside passions, and support my W and F at the same time. I've got to put myself first, and seek out my own needs, detach and stay loving at the same time. I have to be less needy, show I don't need my W to be happy. It feels paradoxical to me, and it feels unloving and selfish. But again, what I was doing wasn't working, so. . . And under my personal code, I have to do this without seeking intimate solace with another woman.
Again OFP, this may not be your situation at all. And I hope I'm not coming across sexist. But this seems to be reality for me. In my case, I think my wife wonders if she can trust me to protect her and my family, if I can't even stand up to her and for what I want.
