On another note, what do you guys do when thoughts of the OW/OM come flooding into your head? Typically, I know when it's happening, and I try stopping them, but the methods of stopping them are just distractions and temporary for me, eventually they come back full force, and that's when I have it very tough. The OW was also a good friend of mine, so for me it was like a double betrayal. I also have this lingering fear that they will end up together in the future...but I guess realistically, that would never be a good relationship.. Anyway, any tips that have worked for anyone hear? I'd love to hear some.
Hope everyone continues to hang in there. So thankful for this forum.
Thinking about the OM/OW is where the pit in my stomach turns and I can literally puke. But....that has lessened over time as my heart is starting to harden in that realm. Over time, it may start to lessen for you.
It's hard no hiding this fact. But then I think about all the drama and incidents my STBX caused day to day and that the OM will be thrown into this vortex sooner than later and it gives me a certain calm. A calm that if she wasn't willing to work on these things with me and fix them...now....her drama filled life will only increase with the OM. It may be a fun whirlwind romance now.....but over time.....good luck. That it was a good friend is nothing that I have expereinced so can't comment except that is not a friend.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Thanks SadHub. I am doing better this week, hoping I can make it last!
So yesterday I went to the book store and bought a few books for pleasure. I loved reading before I got married, and I got some great recommendations from a friend, and I decided to buy them so that I could pick up on that old habit. I also bought some nice patio furniture so I could enjoy my books on the patio during the evenings in summer, I'm really looking forward to that.
Very nice Dbing here.
Originally Posted By: ahmeds
On another note, what do you guys do when thoughts of the OW/OM come flooding into your head? Typically, I know when it's happening, and I try stopping them, but the methods of stopping them are just distractions and temporary for me, eventually they come back full force, and that's when I have it very tough. The OW was also a good friend of mine, so for me it was like a double betrayal. I also have this lingering fear that they will end up together in the future...but I guess realistically, that would never be a good relationship.. Anyway, any tips that have worked for anyone hear? I'd love to hear some.
In my readings, research and counseling, I have found that distractions or fighting uncomfortable thoughts is not beneficial as the mere attempts to do this tend to keep the thought in our mind and send it into a looping thought process pattern. This loop tends to make the thought more real and intense. Through my reading and practicing mindful meditation, I have learned to stop, acknowledge the thought and then let it pass while replacing the thought with more pleasant patterns of thought. Check out the Ted Talk by Matthieu Ricard.
Now I am not saying this is easy, but I found with some practice, it does help me. The science shows we really have more control over our thoughts than we realize. But like any other muscle in our body, it takes exercise, time and a focused effort.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Thank you both for your input. SadHub, you're absolutely correct. In the beginning, I would just find distractions to fight those thoughts, I quickly learned that was not the way to handle it. It's definitely best to acknowledge the thoughts and move forward from there, I just haven't become very good at that yet. Many times the thoughts bring me down, but I'm sure with time, that will get better.
I'll check out the Ted Talk you recommended. Thanks for suggesting it!
Hope everyone is hanging in there. I haven't been around on the forum for a few days now. I think I was just taking a few days to rediscover myself without reading through experiences others are going through and relating them back to how they're similar to what I am going through.
I've been doing somewhat better, but of course I still struggle. My H and I do not really talk anymore, I text him now and then asking him how he is, and we usually keep it cordial. Lately though, I've been struggling with the blame game. I keep thinking back to how I could've done things differently. The "What if's," the "I should've..," "I could've.." etc.. At times I take a lot of the blame and put it on myself, even though he is the one who had the A. In the beginning, I even blamed his A on myself. So i guess my question is how do we conquer these thoughts? I've never thought very much of myself in general, and this whole situation has brought me down a whole lot more. I am doing things for myself, and taking steps to make sure I don't fall into traps, but sometimes I really do struggle. As always, advice is appreciated
Hope everyone is hanging in there. I haven't been around on the forum for a few days now. I think I was just taking a few days to rediscover myself without reading through experiences others are going through and relating them back to how they're similar to what I am going through.
Pray tell, what new things have your rediscovered about yourself over the past few days?
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I've been doing somewhat better, but of course I still struggle. My H and I do not really talk anymore, I text him now and then asking him how he is, and we usually keep it cordial.
It is good to hear you are doing better. Struggle will happen for a bit longer, but less intense as you put in the work to heal and grow.
Why do you text him to ask how he is doing? Is this a 180? Is it pursuing? Is it focusing on you?
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Lately though, I've been struggling with the blame game. I keep thinking back to how I could've done things differently. The "What if's," the "I should've..," "I could've.." etc.. At times I take a lot of the blame and put it on myself, even though he is the one who had the A. In the beginning, I even blamed his A on myself. So i guess my question is how do we conquer these thoughts? I've never thought very much of myself in general, and this whole situation has brought me down a whole lot more. I am doing things for myself, and taking steps to make sure I don't fall into traps, but sometimes I really do struggle. As always, advice is appreciated
My advice is watch the Emotional First Aid Ted Talk again. Research additional information around this and emotional intelligence. Research rumination and emotional health Google, how to stop the committee in my head. Take notes Set a plan for yourself and follow it. Practice Evaluate Adjust Repeat Make the decision to discontinue ruminating about the past.
I wish that I could suggest a magic pill or a 3 step program, but when it comes to our thoughts, we are the only ones that can control them. We must simply commit to putting in the work to take control of them. Meditation is a good practice to take up And it will take work. Trust me. I know. I am still working on it. But I can tell you I have come a ways from the darkest moments and thoughts of my life. And it has taken a lot of work.
You can do it. Arm yourself with knowledge and then get to working on it daily.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I went into hiding. Soon after all my posts on this forum, I found out he married the other woman. Before our divorce was even finalized. I'm doing better at this point, but it's an odd situation for me. He lives with her in the same apartment where I lived with him. I still tend to blame myself for it all, but I'm getting used to my new life. At least all my suspicions were confirmed, and I'm not crazy for having them. They live ten minutes down the street from me, and I've ran into them once in public. Just adjusting.
