What Should I be doing (4)

[cbtdad]

I don't think you are being over controlling. I think you are realizing how tough this is going to be. I can tell you from past experiences that is one of, if not the hardest thing you will do.
I believe you are trying to protect yourself from being hurt again. I know that feeling all too well. I did it again last night. All because I do not feel "wanted"
Quite frankly that has been the biggest roller coaster ride for since we reconciled a few years ago.
At times I would feel like she wanted to be with me and that we were good again.
Then we would go distances were I felt unwanted.
I'm now learning that a lot of that was in my head and I was pushing her away
Please don't make the same mistake I did cnut
I know it's hard, but you have let the trust build and go from there

[Coconut]

CBT, I'm confused, are you saying I should stick to academy or me, or are you saying not to make her make that choice?

[RSG]

Rebuilding trust. I have only read articles and a few blogs, but it's been eyeopening realizing how difficult it will be. Deciding IF you can forgive is difficult enough, but then doing the work to build back trust and come back together in a NEW marriage screams difficulty. I want to look up a few books and see if they're at a library near me, so I can get more specific info.

When my wife and I gently broached the subject of trust and counseling, I mentioned about how hard it would be. That there would be very difficult days, and we'd have to fight through them. That if we started, we couldn't give up at the first tough moment. I think I can forgive, but I'm still having that internal battle.

I can't tell you if you're being controlling or not. One thing I can say is that you need to let your wife know what things she can do to earn back your trust such that you're not feeling like you have check up on her all the time. Checking up a little sounds reasonable, but once it starts going over the top she's going to want to quit. Easier said than done obviously....

[cbtdad]

Cnut,
I'm thinking you should let her do the fire academy.
I agree with Sandi, it looks like everything your W has done is to try and help move past this. It's all positive signs. You need to decide if you forgive her. Because right now, you haven't. Trust me. I've been there. Once you forgive then you need to work on that trust. I believe having zero contact with OM is essential. Meaning if he approaches her she needs to walk away. You can't control that though.
I totally get the anxiety of her hanging out with a guy one on one. Let me ask you something. Before your situation would you have had anxiety about that? The answer I'm assuming is no based on what you said earlier.
Just remember you can't control who she talks to, etc
But you can control how you react to it
That's the part that is going to take time.
If you don't, I promise you it will not work.
I'm proof of that right now. I couldn't let the anxiety and mistrust completely go
But I'm realizing why now. I was a controlling person. I wanted to control her environment so that it would prevent me from getting hurt again
All I did was a push her away with that control

[Coconut]

I will start by saying I'm not proud of my actions of posting the text to the Fire stations group chat, and I have clearly hurt her very deeply. I shamed her to people that she works with, and have made things very difficult for her there. I offered to write an apology letter to her captain, which she appreciated. after hearing her feelings on it, I'm deeply saddened that I allowed myself to embarrass the woman I say I love so much. I truly regret that action. I always tell people I believe outing the A is a bad idea, but now I truly understand the implications, and feel no joy in causing so much pain to her, regardless of the pain I feel. I am embarrassed that I acted so immature.

I told her my thought process when doing so, but I did it in a moment of weakness, and my reasoning doesn't hold much water to even me while I'm clear headed. I think I'm the worst DB'r ever.

I told my wife that I had already decided not to tell the OM W, and I don't know why I had the idea to do what I did. She did tell me someone at the station is good friends with the OM W, and apparently forwarded the message to her. All around it was a bad idea.

My wife said she still wants us to work, but anything that happens will need to stay between her and I, I gave her my word and deleted all of text messages. I swore that if I start feeling that way, the only thing I will do is go in the bedroom and wait it out. She said that she will approach me in there to discuss if I wanted, or would leave the room if I didn't want, that she would just be there for me. I have gotten into the "crazy" mode 3 or 4 times in the last 2 months, and hopefully I can end those episodes.

Her Captain did call her and tell her that they will not tolerate drama at the station, that personal matters need to stay at home. He also told her that he understands the strain that the acadamy puts on marriages, and that he doesnt want her to quit, but he can't allow drama. He also offered to hold a station wide barbecue so that I and all the other spouses could go to the station and meet everyone, because they really do understand the struggles.

Lesson learned, if you really want your marriage to work, do NOT out an A, especially once it has already ended, cause your just gonna make things harder.

So after all that I've done, she's gonna stay in the academy and we will continue to try and move forward.

[cbtdad]

Good to hear Cnut!
It's gonna be tough and you are going to have those moments
Stay strong!

[RSG]

That is great to hear. Admitting to her it was a terrible thing and not just apologizing, but going above and beyond is about the best you can do. You also came up with a plan of action in case you start having an emotional moment that would case undue problems.

I remember talking with WW and said "I write to keep myself from doing crazy things." She said, what would you be doing? I need to keep a job! I didn't have any idea what she meant, and just told her writing kept me from calling, sending nasty texts, having a meltdown at home, not sleeping, etc. I guess she meant not posting something awful on FB, because we have mutual friends including her boss and coworkers. But, I know I couldn't do that. I haven't told anyone about the affair because I'm so embarrassed and I already know they'd scream GET OUT SHE'S AN EVIL B****

I still have to determine if I'm willing to go all in on forgiveness, but I know embarrassing her publicly would mean no chance at reconciliation and a huge fight over custody.

Good luck to you. For all of us, this is a clear battle between the heart and head. Don't let fear get the better of you.

[BluWave]

C-nut,

As you can see this is hard stuff. If you can get through this, you will have to learn grit and patience! These are great things to have in life :-)

The triggers are going to still come and go and your emotions will be all over the map. That does not mean you need to act on them! And think of it this way, you are doing yourself a disservice by acting on them because now your thoughts/feelings about her behavior have been overshadowed by the drama you have created.

It's understandable that you don't want her hanging out with men alone or flirting with other men. I would not tolerate that either! However, by not tolerate it, I do not mean that you can control her. You cannot tell her what she can/can't do, spy on her, or give her ultimatums. None of that will work and may only push her away. It also takes away from the progress you are making.

What you can do--which will be more effective and preserve your integrity--are to create boundaries for yourself. Let her know how her actions affect you in a matter of fact way, let her know what you are uncomfortable with and what you feel you can put up with, and then take a step back.

It is up to her to go where she wants and do what she wants. If she wants to be in the M with you, she will learn how her actions affect you and the M with natural consequences. "When I disrespect H, he pulls back from me."

Just take it one day at at a time. You will get there.

Blu

[roist]

From what I read most of the issues that caused you to react /feel that way are to do with you, not W. This is tough, no doubt. I think you couldn't cope with how you felt more so than how your W behaviour. So to not have to deal with those feelings (anxiety, stress, distrust, anger, betrayal.....) you took yourself out of the situation.

It is one solution and often appears the best/only way to cope. But a better way is to remove those feelings from the situation. It is not easy and may take time, but it can be done.

I don't see your situation as hopeless even now. Wait. The ball is in her court. She will not have liked your publicising the messages, so initially you may only get reaction to that. BUT she cannot hide her intentions anymore. If she still moves towards reconciliation that speaks for itself.

I say this to give an outsiders view and by no means to judge.

Best wishes

[sandi2]

I really hate to hear all that has taken place. As I mentioned in a previous post, it has been rather obvious that steam has been building in you. I am wondering if you had seeds planted by reading about exposure. It is so common for the LBS to hang onto the idea that there is one explosive action he can do that finally end his pain and secure his M again.

IMHO, both of you were at fault. I can see why she didn't want to reveal where she was, b/c she resents being scrutinized. Even if she were completely innocent in her actions, she gave room for doubt and suspiciouns by her staying so late at the station and the interaction with the M men.

In the meantime, you were a volcano just waiting for something to happen, and you'd explode. You have to get help in dealing with your emotions. You are your own worst enemy.

Both of you must come to a clear understanding with each other. Your W must know the triggers that set you off..........and she needs to tread lightly with her behavior with the men at the station. She needs to stop finding excuses to hang out at the station. Any type of playful/flirty behavior around the opposite sex is not being fair to the H she betrayed. Coconut, you have to tell her. You cannot just expect her know how you feel. And, She will resent your spying, more and more. Talk to her about it.

So now, you have outted her, and you feel just terrible about it. It could have cost you your M, but at the moment, you wanted to pay her back for the pain she caused you. (And I think partly b/c you had this exposure idea in the back of your head). Thing is, the OM wasn't even there at the station, but you still used him as your main target. You call him a predator, which sounds as if it could have been borrowed from the board...........but let me suggest that you don't know that the OM was any worse than your own hot little wife! You had rather believe the OM was the predator.

But now, you regret it and what do you do? You completely swing to the other side. I'm surprised you didn't contact OM and his W to apologize! Try to stay in the middle of the road and stop swing from side to side.

You have got to find a MC to help you both get through this before more damage comes. Why have you put it off? At least, find an IC to help you through the healing process.