I think another part of my problems are when I see her I just feel disgust, I don't feel love, compassion or anything. Just feel disgust for her lies, her attitude, her attitude to the kids....
Don't think I'm doing a great job of being a lighthouse at times, maybe I have gone too far towards coldness. I just don't like communicating with someone so antagonistic, so frustrating, so entitled.... Difficulty is having to because of the kids which I do and keep it business like. I don't fill the airwaves with random info, just keep it to the point when I feel it's needed.
I guess I'm just tired of being seen as the 'jerk making her life difficult', I have no doubt she is painting me this way. The car being a prime example, that I haven't shared it with her, that I've 'kept it all to myself'. I don't feel guilty about it, isnt weighing on my conscience. She has not come and asked me to use it at anytime over the past 3 months, hasn't gone and got her own. Could I have shared it, probably, could I have made other arrangements to get to work, sure....
Sandi, you will probably slap me for this but I am looking to buy out her half. It makes my life easier, I don't need to shop around, I get the car we bought new so I know the history. She will still have to go get her own on a small budget and this will be difficult for her due to needing an automatic. I have not done anything on purpose to be vindictive or make her and my kids life difficult, she chose to leave.
She keeps saying how we can save trouble by working together.... How do you work together with someone that only thinks of themselves.... She hasn't got the house (which I think she wanted), she hasn't got the car ( which is clear she wants), she hasn't got the kids 100% ( which she said she wanted). She hasn't had me bending over backwards to help her in her new life....
I know DBing is counter intuitive and if it feels wrong it's probably right. Definately have that feeling at the moment.
What I want is to build a life with someone that wants to be part of it. Someone that can look at their own behaviour and acknowledge their flaws as I acknowledge mine. Someone that can admit when they are wrong rather than blame others. I guess someone that is not my W... I know I don't need my W, I don't even feel I want my W. Am I wrong to feel this way? We are supposed to be here because we love our spouse unconditionally, to understand there is something going on with them that only they can sort out. I know there are no guarentees, that our spouse may never change their thinking, that we do this for us and make ourselves better, that we have no control of the outcome.
The difficulty I'm having is really finding it myself to have compassion, to have empathy for someone that doesn't give a hoot. Someone that for so many years has blamed me for my failings as well as their own, someone that has never considered changing the dynamics of her being to affect the relationship. Someone that as a researcher by profession, doesn't research how to work on a relationship, someone that always expects someone to do that for her.
I nearly walked away from this relationship many years ago, have questioned it on several occasions in the beginning (in a period of heavy depression), have constantly tried to change who i was, to listen to the complaints and adjust. I recognize I could have read more, learnt more earlier in this relationship. We all could have, should have etc etc. We didn't and here we find ourselves. I lost my way, my direction through the years to the point I broke and became someone I didn't want to be, angry, impatient and resentful. It took this move be W to make me wake up, I get that, I own my share and am working to fix me.
I have seen her at her worst now, I was willing to stand and fight for something better. She saw me at my worst and ran. I don't blame her per say, like I have always admitted, I was my own stages of broken. She told me once she broke, gave up and quit. She also told me she was going to have an affair, going to sleep with someone else, going to have a relationship elsewhere... She tells others she doesn't want to be with any man, I have no doubt she has been having an EA yet no one seems to be able to tell her how damaging that is, how lethal that can be to a relationship. I don't even think she would acknowledge it anyway.
Anyways sorry again for the rambling, it's been one of those weekends.
