I thought everything was okay....(Part 6)

[MCS]

Hello all,

It's been a while and I had some free time tonight and figured I'd check out the board.

First, if you are new to this board and have no idea who I am, I'd like to say this.....

It will get better, I wish it was, but it's not like a sudden enlightenment by any means. Even now that I'm near the end of the whole DB process, while the result is not what I ever wanted; I see DB stopping the emotional tailspin that has in cases ruined people. I know more about myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, my resolve to protect my children. I see that while we got married together, unfortunately sometimes just an individual can tear it apart. While we all have faults in a marriage, sometimes those faults don't cause a divorce. Sometimes, it's things we have no influence or control over. It's sad, disappointing but we can all recover from it. It takes time, tears, self-reflection, confusion and resolve (amongst other things) but it will get better. I'd be the last to say perfect, but "getting better" is where I stand today. My heart goes out to all of you, no one should have to go though this, but your amongst so many wonderful people here in the board, it's a godsend.

So, for those that have followed my sitch....Some updates.

Officially Divorced: legal and finances settled. WW seems to be out of her fog to an extent. She's getting back to being the mom she was before all of this. Our communication is much, much better. 1,000 times better than last year. Although still not where I'd like it to be in the end; We come up with consensus' on things, coordinate schedules, have even attended things for the kids together. Pretty sure OM is completely finished. Not sure about anything else at all going on in her life. Although, She's still not reconciled with her family and friends about the D and affair and those relationships seem to be non existent. However, I see little by little she's starting to amend some things.

For me, I'm doing well. I'm not whistling while I work, but I'm out of the crisis. I'm Sad about the whole sitch for kids, for her, for me. It never needed to go this way.

In saying that, I look back and see very little that I would have changed going through the sitch. I recognize you all here and a great set of friends keeping my head on straight, going slow, steady and deliberate. I'm proud of myself staying that way helped lead to better communications and for the kids that was my one goal that I had some control over throughout this. Being together with kids and WW for certain events now, I see the change in the kids tendencies between WW and myself, others have seen it too. I see I was the stability for them through this, but I also see that WW is starting to re-establish that with them. A little hard at times because I need to pull back even more then and let WW gain that back with them.

WW was a fool to walk away. I look back and we had a good M, a good R, a good family, good kids, a good W and a good H. I don't see anything fundamentally wrong with any of it. However WW was fighting demons that she didn't share and with only surface communications (for whatever reason) it festered and was cancerous without me know. WW let no one close to her in and then OM came around. She got duped....big time. To this day, all she would have to do is ask and I'd try whatever it would take to work through it. Not sure why I feel that way either I'm emphatic or stubborn. Either way, it doesn't matter.

I don't know what is next for MCS. The future seems easier to swallow than before, but the uncertainty still wears on me. Struggling to understand my individual needs and my responsibility as a dad. Kids are doing well and I've set up a great environment and home life for them with laughing and love and caring. Although, I yearn for the daily companionship and knowing someone has my back. Not sure how to make that desire complement the home life and balance for the children. That's next step for MCS.