Help My MLC/Nice Guy is a Foreigner!

[jamaica]

Blu
Thanks for the advice. Believe it or not I have not had consistent internet coverage for a few days and have been unable to post. I completely agree with your assessment of the situation and your advice. I am not trying to control him although he sees it that way. I have suggested to him that he just go to Europe and spend time with whomever he wishes without the kids. He says that's not what he wants and he invokes the kids wellbeing into my decision. He says its good for the kids to get out of town for the summer. This is about them and I'm making this about me. I have agreed with him that the kids would enjoy a trip but I am not sacrificing their mental well-being and sense of safety by his OW and A. I recognize that if we were D I'd have little control over who he introduced them to but I have asked him repeatedly to look at this not just in terms of how he feels and what he wants but as well how the kids feel and what they prioritize and what they will remember about him and about this time in their lives. There was a time when I could have compromised with him and thought he could be trusted however he went behind my back planned to take the kids where his OW lives to be with her and them and did not discuss any part of it with me before hand. Of course if he could do that, we probably wouldn't be in this situation now. Its his secrecy his inability to voice his opinion calmly and with out malice that has been the crux of our problem. Every difficult conversation I have had to bring up , every question I've had to ask. I have sacrificed a lot of my well-being to his alter of indecision and inability to stand up for himself and us but I will not for my children.

His compromise was to have his sister pick up the kids with her OM around (brand new sitch). They both acknowledge that they came from poor childhood situations but now say oh well that's just the way it is. We will not have consistent relationships and I don't care about my kids having consistent relationships either; that's reality most people just don't. They both feel that it is not their responsibility to try to achieve something better for themselves or their children than what they experienced even thought they both say that's what they wanted before.

I am not exaggerating when I say all of our close friends are in the midst of marriage crisis. His best friend is living with his OW and her three kids and is treating his wife like a castoff servant and dragging her to court etc. and left his own three kids, his sister is now doing the same and wants to bring her OM and son to the US for the other 1/2 of the summer. My best friend is having an A. It is too much for me. Her H is calling me crying every day. They all think I am worried about kidnapping for the kids both ways. This is more about their psychological well being and the fact that no one will be there to reinforce a sense of safety and constancy and boundaries for them. Both my H and his sister feel completely justified in their behavior as they have decided their marriages were awful and they are not "married" any longer. My therapist supports me. I offered as a compromise a professional opinion on how to approach the kids. Family therapist, my therapist, his etc.. We can discuss this with a third party. He refuses. Although I sound fierce, I am trying to give him the benefit of some kind of rationale plan.

I have just started reading on NICE GUY Syndrome. It fits our relationship and my experience almost to a tee. I subconsciously realized a lot of this and honestly trying to no longer to "save him" on my good days butI honestly live in fear of my kids normalizing this crazy behavior and living with problems in their relationships and lives as a result. Any recommendations on resources to go for them in this transition?