Uncharted Waters

[2Times2Many]

Well, I was getting really excited about my upcoming trip but my enthusiasm took a big leap backward last night. I got a call from my sister and she is back in the hospital with pneumonia. This is the third time in just over 2 months. She still weighs only 77 lbs. I don't know how much longer she can keep doing this. She doesn't seem to make much progress before she relapses and is back in the same condition. It's frightening.

As I grew older, it was a forgone conclusion that I would, in all likelihood, outlive my parents, but I never thought I would outlive my little sister. She's all I have left of my childhood family and I really don't want to lose her, even though we've always had issues. She's too young and so am I. I don't want to be the last one left.

After talking to sis, I sent an update on her condition to H. He's never particularly liked her, but he asks about her often. I suspect that's more for my benefit because I've expressed my fears about her to him.

I added something that may not have been a good thing. I told him that too many chapters in my life seemed to be closing at the same time and I didn't know if I was strong enough to handle that and I wasn't sure I had enough resilience. After I sent the message, I had second thoughts about it.

But the truth is I always put on a happy face for him, display an aura of competence and ability to handle things on my own, and talk to him on the phone as if all is just peachy with my life. He's so seldom here, that he doesn't have an opportunity to see my struggles and my difficulties and the obstacles I have to overcome ON MY OWN without the "rock" that he used to be ... all because of his chit. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to put that out there and let him realize that my life is no bed of roses, either, but I deal with it.

So after a massive self-pity party, a good cry and a relatively sleepless night, I awoke this morning to H's response to my message.

He said life throws us changes when we least expect it and he wonders what awaits him. He said he didn't know how strong he is either or how to cope/deal with "so much on my side too." Then he said "I know that I will always be there to talk to you ... whenever you need it. I hope the same is true for you." Then he said to breathe and try to find the happiness inside ... that it's not always easy or possible but it's a goal he tries to achieve. Then he said he'd call on Sunday ... that he had his running thing today.

WTF? I'll always be there to talk, but not today because I have to go run with my frat boy friends? I'm there for you but only when it's convenient for me?

And what exactly does he have to cope with? How much liquor to have on hand when his friends drop by "every day?" Whether to have his gf spend the night at his place or if he should spend the night at hers? Whether to spend the day with his biking club or with his cheating, adulterous friend on the golf course? Give me a break!

Things have been good on the business front, but personally, there is so far to go. He does a great job of talking the talk. He needs to walk the walk! Hey buddy ... if you say you're there any time I need to talk, then freaking be there!

Anyway, I'm in this weird state of just wanting to run away from all this crap and that is sandwiched in with digging down for strength and resilience to deal with what life throws at me next while trying to keep in mind that H's brain is scrambled, while trying to be patient and understanding and forgiving. It just seems like too much. I just keep telling myself ... one day at a time ... just put one foot in front of the other.

I did make my appointment at the hair salon this morning. I probably shouldn't have been driving because I felt like my mind was somewhere else. Then I spent the afternoon getting stuff organized for my trip. I just feel guilty about the trip now which totally stinks because I was so looking forward to it. I feel like I should fly out to see my sister, but I so need to just get away and step out of my life for a short while. Am I being a bad person?

So that's the latest. Life stinks.