That makes sense to me. Yes, essentially the person we need (and/or want) is the person and M that we had. However, we also must acknowledge that that person is not who we think they are because that person we loved would not have an A in our minds. So when we get them back, we are getting the person that has now had an A and we know that they are a person capable of hurting us. Even if no A, we know they can hurt us and give up on us. That can be hard to accept. For me, it has taken this entire time of piecing to accept this. Can I love someone as much as before, knowing they are capable of hurting me?
I don't think that means we cannot love them again tho. They are still the same person, but they have made some terrible choices. My therapist helped me understand this: H is still the same person, he has now made a big mistake. I cannot idealize or romanticize him ever again. I think what makes piecing so difficult is that both people are working on the M, while simultaneously working on themselves. In order for reconciliation to be successful, the wayward must do the painful work of understanding how this happened, why it happened, and moving forward learning how they can learn and grow from it.
The LBS must do the same. I think the reason that DB is so wonderful, is because it is what we need to be doing all along. If this work isn't done, then it will have to be done during piecing. That is something I have been dealing with. When I say work, I mean more than just 180s, GAL, and detachment, but I also mean soul searching and really looking inside. It is asking yourself those tough questions.
Just my thoughts on that.
Saw OW again today. It has been way too frequently lately. Kinda made my stomach churn. Ugh. At least the pain is fading.
Thanks for reading.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
