In the UK - PT 18 'Dark O'Clock'

[Huddy]

If you're reading this, please note I have a had a full bottle of wine, at 15%, and I am pi$$ed - right royally pi$$ed out of my skull, as it's the only way I can can cope tonight.

I woke up with a terrible sense of lonliness. I miss my wife, I ache for her and my kids, daily. I had a small GAL activity last night and I didn't enjoy it one jot I went home after one drink - what a saddo.

I got up in a miserable mood. I watched 'Homes Under the Hammer' on TV, followed by some film on Channel 4. I dragged myself to the gym - why? It doesn't seem to attract anybody. I don't feel more attractive, I feel like sh1t. Yeah, my muscles are growing, my girth gets smaller, some female colleagues remark on my appearance. I think they just feel sorry for me - 'there goes huddy. What a wank*er - doesn't realise his wife ain't coming back'. What a loser.

I came home after todays 'self fladulation'. 60 minutes of graft. What for?

Read a book for two hours. Had some scotch eggs. Had a bath, got pi$$ed on wine. I'm a Yorkshireman living in Scotland, I've got my TV tuned to Yorkshire. Watched ITV with When they were famous and It'll be alright on the night to try and cheer me up - didn't work. My heart is still aching.

I don't post a lot these days; I don't want to dissuade newbies. It's Saturday, why aren't I out and about? Well, I want my wife back and applying 'the rules; hurts. Sad as it seems, I even though about chucking myself under the train again. Sh!t - why? It's been a year since I thought that.

Ok, I'm rambling. I'm well and truly drunk, sad, lonely and going to my bed to try and forget what's this all about. Hey, guys if you can be arsed to read this - don't. Look, I've been here over a year and I feel terrible. I'm sad and lonely and can't move on. Yeah, I've done things like go to Hong Kong etc. this year, but I just can't escape the straight jacket.

I sat next to some really attractive blonde on the train to gym today. I looked at her and thought 'no'. I can't escape my straight jacket.

Off to bed. Guys - I don't know how long I can carry on. IO feel awful today. I miss my wife and kids and sitting in my flat watching the TV ain't cutting it.