A new crossroad reached

[mleigh4]

Thank you for your congrats Job. In spite of H concerns about S future and his love of computers, My S has proven to be a responsible young man who has worked hard to earn those grades. 2 of his computer loving buddies made honor roll and celebrated along with S. I hope this opens H eyes a bit.

That night at bedtime, I again told S how proud I am, but I told him, more important than me being proud is for him to be proud of himself. I told him he should be proud of himself for taking his homework seriously and for putting his all into all of the testing, that being proud of himself is very important. He joked back with me, but I intend to keep drilling that in. Our self views are what build us into the person we will be someday. That our own self pride and self confidence is more important than what others think.

Cali, you are so right. To see my S love us both unconditionally, and to thrive the way he has, in spite of the problems between his mom and dad, is pretty amazing. It shows H and I are doing something right. It makes me think twice about making any drastic waves here.... which I find to be frustrating....but all in all S comes first.

Friday was playday at S school. They had different fun activities for the kids and needed parents to help with each activity. I was able to coordinate with work and help out for an hour. I showed up at school at 10 am, while walking in, I see H work truck parked. I thought, what is he doing here? I walk onto the school and see H walking. I immediately turn to walk the other way (instinct and not sure why) I walk up to my station, where a mom I know was helping, and H is there. He looked surprised to see me, gave a big hello, and explained he came back to put sunscreen on S because he hadn't that morning. Weird coincidence? H went to put on S while I relieved the mom. H then came back and asked if I wanted sunscreen. I said sure and thank you. We said goodbyes and he left.

S had a great time and looked thrilled and surprised to have both parents show up, although he is definitely into having space with his buddies...you know, being cool? It's really fun to see him growing up and I am going off his signals whether he wants me around or not. very new for me! But I get it.

I notice I seem to be in avoidance mode with H. I did it at awards and again at school playday....not sure why. I feel kind of bad, Its not a natural feeling for me.

I continue to think a lot about talking with H. Mainly, we got into this together, we need to figure it out together. For me to make any kind of decision, or to continue doing this, completely on my own, no longer feels right. I sense he is ready, as I am, to talk about some things. I am not sure what the outcome will be, I don't expect to have any huge answers, I feel it's just part of the process we need to go through. I look forward to talking like friends and am ready to open up. I have calendars printed up for us to go over holidays. I have a good feeling about it all, I plan on suggesting to get together towards the end of the month.

In the meantime, we stay busy! At work, we once again succeeded our goals and made record profit. This morning I cleaned our hot tub (mini summer pool) and filled it up so S and I have our heat escape. Tonight we have a grad party to attend. Next weekend I have a baby shower, the weekend after that is fathers day. I don't plan to ignore it, as H did mother's day, because that is not me. We will bake up H some goodies and hand S over to H even though it is my weekend.

I hope you are all having a good weekend and are enjoying some sunshine