Whatever I write next is overshadowed by how excited I was to see your post. I don't know if I belong in newcomers anymore either, but I will say this group has played a big role in me making it through my darkest time. I still feel compelled to read and post frequently. That may change, that may not. But I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Although I do try to post on others threads a bit too so I can try to earn my keep. But for you, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Just know you're always, always in my thoughts and invited on my thread or in any conversation I get worked up about on that given day.
I truly am sorry that I've made you feel insufficient and judged. I will admit that I'm not sure where specifically I caused that, I've spouted off about a lot of stuff and I don't always realize the impact it can have. As you know the 'insufficient' attitude runs deep with me. I battle it a lot personally, and at times I can wound others by holding them to standards no one can live up to. This is one of the main reasons XW filed D, so I will own the fact that I am aware I can hurt others in this way.
I guess a big part of that is the difference between how others might perceive me and how I perceive myself. In my eyes I am just some guy that couldn't make a marriage work reacting to his own loss and feelings of alienation. It is always a shock to hear others respond to me like my views are somehow significant.
I think we have much in common. I am pretty sensitive too. In fact, I think the reason I'm so hard on myself is because I struggle with coming up short. By being harder on myself than anyone else could be nothing else really gets to me. And oftentimes I can laugh off my failures because I know I died trying to do my best. But as a result of all of this I tend to keep to myself. Both because I can hurt others the way I hurt myself, and because I am too fragile inside to handle much intimacy it seems.
Another way in which we're similar is that I, too, find it impossible that a woman could find me desirable. I won't go into it further on this thread, we've talked about it before to a degree. Unfortunately there is a lot of truth to our concerns. I learned the phrase 'sexual market value' this year. I'd never heard it before, but it has to do with the unspoken but almost tangible value people are worth on the relationship market. To act like it doesn't exist is naive, and to act like physical appearance doesn't play a role is equally naive. And we're conditioned so heavily that even people that are aware of the issues still are influenced by them. Well, like your physical appearance, I know there is truth in that I have inherent deal breakers that rule me out of relationships by and large.
As for the role I've played in supporting you through your dark times, in my mind that makes it all worthwhile. Of course I regret my foot in mouth moments, and any disturbance I've caused. But I'll be easier on myself knowing that you've found our connection positive overall. Just do me a favor and remember that I have nothing but the best intentions towards you JB, and any harm I do reflects my own shortcomings every bit as much as yours. And that your shortcomings don't matter at all to me, because I've got my own demons.
Whatever you feel like sharing, whether it concerns comments I've made, whether you'd prefer to leave that behind and just talk about where you're at these days, or whether you prefer to keep a little more distance, either way you have my continued support in what is best for JB. Take care and thank you for your post!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
