Ugh!! Little frustrated about myself today. Let her get to me a little. I think part of my issues is in not really sure I want to save this anymore. I am a little conflicted and maybe I need someone to talk to me now...
I have an old friend that is single, and we always got on well. There was a long period when we were not in any contact but picked up our friendship a few years back. Nothing has between us and our contact was very irregular and mostly just checking how each other were. She was with a guy for awhile but last month broke up with him. The contact coming from her has been more often over the past few months, and I hear from her a couple of times a week. We haven't talked over the phone or anything, and I know both of us would be in a vulnerable position so have kept away from that. I'm not looking to begin anything though.
It's hard to see my W turning around, just having been with her for 12 years and seeing how certain parts of her that have never changed that I've struggled with over the years. So many times I heard her say "I want to love better" ( even told me that the day before she went to this other guys place the first time). So many times I got told "I have to get to know you again", so many times I heard the words "I tried" but so many times the actions rarely followed. I do wonder would it just be better to start afresh with someone else as my W and I have so much hurt under the bridge. It is what she feels, that our past caught up with us are words she used.
There does seem to be so much in the way, a decade of roller coaster emotions and struggles mixed with good times and family. I lived for the last 10 years in different languages, have had many jobs due to moves, cut backs and just getting what I could to bring some money in. So many times I have done the things needed to help our family, but it has taken its toll on me and my W's relationship. Finances were regularly tight due to the decisions we made, job losses, etc that just meant we didn't have the vacations, nights out etc that we should have had.
I'm not blaming myself, even though W is, we made decisions together and signed things together. I did get burnt out, mentally and physically over the past year building our house and wasn't who I wanted to be or needed to be. However, I also can't take the responsibility for my W looking outside when I needed support. She was suffering for her own burn out, it's funny, she complained about feeling like a single parent when I was working on our house and how she hated it. Yet here we are now, living it for real.
The other part I struggle with understanding, when she has the kids she does get involved with other families with children but sometimes I wonder is this just to help her cope on her own. Does mean she is getting lots of support in her 'new life' and I'm also feeling like I'm up against a lot. Guess this makes me feel like my family won't get back together and I need to move on. I know I'm supposed to do that anyway, as I know my M is dead as it stands. I have accepted that. I just feel she has way too much support. W isn't as interested in the kids when she doesn't have them though, as expected she doesn't want to come support our son at his soccer tomorrow. He wanted her to come.
Anyways, sorry for the mixed rambling. Maybe I should just write stuff on paper instead.
