I'm never far away Zues, I'm lurking now as I did in the beginning. I continue to read your thread and I always read your posts on those whose sitches I know and with whom I have built a little rapport with.
I have gone to write an update many times, but it seems wrong to post in newcomers now as there are still so many in the pain here. I remember the pain as only a distance memory with the occasional more hurtful twinge. I was never married to Mr Ex, so there is no place for me in either Surviving or well anywhere else here. So it is laughable but I am in limbo with this board. I can't quite be a walkway, I don't know why I continue to lurk. I assume that it is because of friendship and connection. Saying that to you given your current conversation with SunnyB and V, seems cruel and unusually ironic.
I have been reading your posts silently for months and they continue to move me, frustrate me, anger me, sadden me, inspire me, and challenge me in a way that no other poster has (well V is likely up there too)
You were my lifeline for many months in my early days and months and there are no words to describe the place you hold in my heart and at times there were moments I think you were the difference between, me getting up and battling the demon depression another day or not. There was always a reason to find out what Zues had to say to me, to another poster or for himself.
I have struggled so much recently reading your posts about women's role in society and in your life. Its been disappointing to me that I don't live up to your standards of womanhood and moral propriety. I don't view myself as a person of low moral fibre. I believe I am a good person, a good woman with a strong sense of social right and wrong. That I am worthy of being known. Of being known by you. Your posts have had me checking myself. I know I know, likely more of my daddy issues coming out, my need for his constant approval and acceptance, which I am never going to get. There is still work to be done Zues. And I continue to do it.
I'm not one of the strong, beautiful women you connect with here, who you engage in the level of intellectual stimulation and challenging conversations that you are so responsive to. These women have always been the yard stick I have used to measure my feminine worth. It makes me laugh because I still come up so lacking in comparison. My aspiration for being one of those smart, easy going, fun, intellectual types, well it is becoming less aspirational for me. And rightly so.
I am learning to accept that my quirky world view, soft heart and ample bottom will move a few men, but not necessarily all men. I have come to learn that this needs to enough.
I guess then given that I am emotional and sensitive that our exchanges have also been such. I know we have at times tripped on each other's boundaries and hearts because of this, and if I ever left your heart feeling a little trampled on, I am SO very sorry for that.
There is likely more to say, and a better update than this is required, but know I am happy in my life, I have made some significant shifts and had someone come into my life who is teaching me that I am more worthy of love of than I feel sometimes.
Take care my dear friend (and I will call you friend)
