Sunny Days are Here, Again

[Zues126]

Clearly there are a lot of different views here, and that's ok. I'm not debating to win or be right, but I'll respond since I'm being asked.

In my case having no female friends doesn't mean I see females as sexual objects only. It means that I only have room in my life for one woman. That is all. I have no desire to be close or connected with any other women outside of the one I am committed to.

To me being single doesn't change much. I guess I look at deep emotional connections with opposite gender as off limits in a marriage, the same as sexual activity. So asking if it's ok for a single person to have a bunch of opposite gender friends, hey, it's up to them. No one is betraying any trust. But to me that would be the same if a single person wanted to sleep around a lot for a few years. They aren't betraying any trust, it's just not what I would choose to do. The same way I tried to save myself for my woman physically, I do the same emotionally. Other people can do what they want, just not for me.

Would that be a 'deal breaker' in a relationship? This is such a hard question because it's hard for me to picture another relationship with a woman at all. It probably wouldn't be a deal breaker initially because I wouldn't leave a woman for spending time with another guy. But I would not feel safe and I don't know that I could be emotionally intimate anymore, and I could see that putting the marriage in a bad spot, one that my partner would probably leave at some point, at which point my concerns about the opposite gender would appear justified. But if a woman chose other men over me I would be happy to wish her well.

Again, we're talking about friends, not friendly. If there are men in a group of people she's out with, fine. But if she's spending 1:1 time with another man on a recurring basis, that would be an issue.

As for the bit about temptation being everywhere, so staying off FB being pointless, I don't agree with that. I think there are things you can do to safeguard your marriage, and there are things you can do that give opportunity for temptation to arise. Clearly you can't take a cheater and just restrict their internet access and get them to toe the line, and I can appreciate the fact that some people will never cheat no matter what, as I am in that category. But despite my conviction, I wouldn't want to go have a beer in an attractive woman's hotel room when she had shown interest in me...being faithful is one thing, but I wouldn't want to put myself in that spot at all. That's how I see private facebook message exchanges with opposite gender friends.

Maybe this all sounds extreme when I write it, but it seems to me common sense, and I know I'm not unique in this regard. My best friend is the same way. It is nothing we've ever talked about, it's just clear. He is a married man, his friends are guys, his wife is his woman. It doesn't seem restrictive at all. In fact, I think this is pretty common among my friends that are married.

I want to be clear I'm not judging anyone that has opposite gender "F"riends. There are a lot of ways to live. For me, I have only a very, very few select group of friends. 1 best friend. And 5-10 friends I remain pretty close with and keep in touch over the years. I think I'm pretty sensitive, and while I'm clearly not a closed person, I don't open my heart up to people unless I feel safe, and can tell they are sensitive as well so I can trust them to handle me as gently as I try to handle those around me.

It's very possible I'm too sensitive, and that I have closed myself off to the entire world. But I like who I am, I have some people that get me and appreciate me, and right or wrong it is the path I seem to be drawn to.