I am interested to know how you and your xh have learned to trust each other again? My mother forgave my father a few times for his infidelity on business trips and then he ended up marrying our neighbor?? Look where her trust got her?? It makes me wonder if I am fighting a war that cannot be one.
Can I ever trust my H again after his affair? H hasn't decided that our M is worth saving right now, so I may be asking this question and still get a D. I'm not sure if I can ever get the R and M that I want with my H, anyway.
Halo, Glad to hear from you. I have the house we built together and most of the furniture we had. She lonly took what was necessary. She really did not want to hurt me or take advantage of me. She knows I got nothing from my first D.
I think she felt guilty enough about leaving and having an affair. I did give her all pictures related to us, marriage certificate, and my wedding band.
I gave her my wedding band with the D papers. It's been about 6 weeks and I can still feel the ring on my finger.
I have been in an exceptionally good mood for a few days now. Don't know why. I think it is because I found you and you gave me some hope. Or maybe I am learning to live without her which is scary. If I am I think I could easily move on and maybe not want her back later. I sort of hope I don't meet someone special.
I still cry sometime but not as often as before. Maybe once a week now. I've got to go to dance class now. If we don't go out afterwards I will check back around 8;30. If we do I will check back around midnight or later.
Quote: How long did it take him to call , once you stopped calling?
Well our D was final 5-13-02,(2 year anniversary yesterday!) I quit calling him in Early March of that year he called me for the first time Memorial Day Weekend 2002. Then randomly we would call each other, meet for dinner, and have sex for the next year. 03/02 I moved out of the big city to a house by the bay. We did not talk from 03/02- 07/02. I called him 07/02 because I needed to talk to my best friend, I had experienced a bad break up. Had been dating a guy that was heavy into drugs ( I had no idea at first),and he had a beautiful son that I loved dearly, thats partly why I stayed with him. The other reason is because women need to feel needed and this man needed me (so I thought). When we talked in July 2003 he confessed his love for me, he told me that he was in a situation he is trying to get out of. A couple of months later his house was on the market and he was conjuring up a plan for us to be together. I know this does not give a specific time frame, but I hope this answers your question.
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Thank your for reading my thread. I too think That H maybe in MLC of some sort. I set bounadaires 3wks ago 2morrow. I have to say that since I have set the boundaries I have more peace of mind. I really don't contact him at all, unless it is concerning S or financial business. Detatching in this way has also helped me to worry less about what he is doing while he is not at home. I know longer question him about OW.
It is driving him crazy that he can not just get in touch with me whenever he wants or just drop by without notice, and that I am not calling. When he 1st got me on the phone last nite he wanted to know why I am keeping S from him? I said, you know I would never do that and you are welcome to spend time with S whenever you would like????????? The same man that didn't want him for the weekend????????? He then said, you have a ticket on the car w/a fine attached. Why do you always wait until you have a penalty b4 you pay these tickets? (it has always been a bad habit of mine, I don't pay things promptly) I said, H, you are right. I have a bad habit of waiting til last minute to pay things. God is working on me. I am a work in progress. I am learning the things that I need to do to become a better me but I can't change everything at once, but that is on my list. He said, I just want you to take care of yourself. I said, I am just learning to do that. I agreed that it is a concern and took all of his venom. He had nothing else to say and the rest of the convo was carefree. The old me would have gotten very defensive. I was shocked at my own reaction and proud of myself.
He has started calling a lot more. He is starting to have general conversation with me. Last nite he called me 4x's back 2 back to just talk about nothing. He wanted me to make sure that he knows when my sis-in-laws baby shower is because he wants to support my brother because he is having his 1st child. He asked me does my car need to be serviced? I said, yes. He said, would you like me to take it Saturday morning? I said, I would really appreciate that. He had previously told me I could get my own car serviced(b4 boundaries and persuing had stopped). We laughed at a couple of things going on in the family and I was the first to say goodnite.
He called me back and said, That his graduation is 5/21/04 . He wants S to come. I said, you have really worked hard these past 5 years and I would like to be there to see you graduate as well. He said, I know but they are only allowing 1 guess and the others have to pay [$85],WOW! He then went on to say that it is important that S see his accomplishment and I said, I understand. I am disapointed that I will not see him graduate but I will get him something to show him how proud I am of him.
I found a new C and she is Christian C. If you are a Christian or don't mind a spiritual guide she councels from the bible as well as the school books. I am very excited to see her. I asked her how does she views M and she said I am christian and that should help you understand how I feel about saving an M. All M's are salvagable and I will do as much as I can to help you and him heal from the past and then together as H and W. My 1st appointment is today at 5pm.
NIK, Trust (that is a four letter word right?) I believe we learned (are still learning)to trust each other by being very open and honest with each other. (sounds simple right ) But it was hard to do at first!
We both knew going into our R this time that there were some obsticles each of us were going to have to over come ALONE before we could "be free" to have our R & M. The key is that we have communicated the whole time. Even when there has been something we knew the other person was not going to be thrilled about we still said it. One advantage we have is that we both have decided to put the past behind us (neither one of us were angels). We have learned from the mistakes we made in the past and we are both dedicated to giving our R & M a fresh start. Thanks to the help of Maya, Suzyblues (anitasues), Dazed and others that visited my original post in Newcomers I learned that I do not want my old M back, I/we deserve so much more. We do not concentrate on the past and think too much about what ifs and this was the way it used to be. Another thing I think helps is that we are friends, when we encounter a rough patch, that does not deal directly with our R, we put on our friends hat and deal with the problem at hand. I guess in a way we are rewriting our destany.
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Quote: I pursued my STBXH/XH more than ever WHEN I THOUGHT I HAD LOST HIM TO OW.
Too funny.. ..that happens almost EVERY SINGLE TIME...Can you honestly say you would have pursued him that hard, if you knew he was just out there "working on himself".. and NOT SEEING SOMEONE ELSE?? There is NOTHING that motivates CHANGE IN HUMAN BEHAVIOR like seeing a "third party" reaping the benefits of what was once ours..sure does make us want to PURSUE doesn't it? Unfortunately, the average LBS refuses to bring a third party into the equation especially when their WAS is seeing someone else...just to see how that might tip the scales a little..maybe get the WA to really think a little more seriously about whats happening and maybe want to PURSUE them again??..
Quote: I looked back and realize how every one of my calls pushed him further away from me.
Yes, because a WAS will not PURSUE reconciliation UNTIL they are ready, and that usually coincides with you letting go, stopping the chase, and being confident enough to say what you did way back when.."Let me know when you have things worked out with your present situation"..or something like that if I recollect correctly..When you continually initiate contact with an S who is pulling away from you, they pull away faster because they feel PRESSURE to respond when they really don't want to, not to mention, few WA's are attracted to someone who isn't GETTING THE MESSAGE of "Give me my space"..
Quote: One thing is for certain that once I quit calling XH, I mean really quit calling. it wasn't long before he was calling me just to chat.
Well, thats often the kind of foundation that must be laid if there is any hope of garnering some interest in renewing an R that appeared to be DONE..The strong ones, make the tough love sacrifices involved in cutting the lines, and stay consistent..even if it appears as though its not producing anything..In the long run it will, because we are all to some extent curious when something we had, just kinda drifts off into the sunset, quietly without a fuss...and we then ACT on that curiosity, and all it takes is that one phone call INITIATED BY THE XWAH/W when you least expect it, to perhaps get the ball rolling again..
Have a great weekend Halo, have a strawberry margarita on me..
Is the Ow that H bought the house with, the same Ow he had when you guys were initially separating. How long were you with OM after the separation/divorce?
Halo,, I was just saying that "it takes two" because both have to be open to reconciliation. In many cases, one does significant changes to the point of making the WAS wonder is things could be different. But in many cases, the WAS simply will not respond and will instead hold onto the resentment and anger that led them to their decision.
In your case, as you stated, you made the changes and your H followed your lead. Both of you were open. But in most sitches, the WAS will not make an about-face because iot would require having humility and taking responsibility for their own actions. Most of them want neither.
It is always easier to blame than to look at oneself. Most take the easy road.
) But it was hard to do at first!