SadHub: One of the terms I will be unmovable on is he will need to attend therapy if we move forward and continue being married. Of course this isn't approachable until he decides if he will start doing the work to reconcile. In the meantime I am deciding if I will even consider taking him back. For now I have the gift of time as I can't even file for divorce until December. So I continue to DB with the ultimate goal of being the best me regardless of the outcome of our marriage. Fro now H is still very much the selfish individual who cheated on me, I can't be married to him, I will stay married if he does the work.
Vanilla, Thanks for the check in.
Jk: H is definitely still deep in the guilt/fog miasma. Some of the most insightful comments were along the lines of being completely miserable in his guilt. He recognizes that he did a horrible thing but lacks the tools to repair the damage. He is completely opposed to therapy presently so I can only work on me. He has the option of attending MC with me is not taking that offer. He does not understand that the clock is ticking and I am simply standing back and detaching. I am doing this to protect myself but also so I can divorce him without causing lasting damage to myself. He has a window right now, a window that is slowly closing and will not re-open once it's done closing. Whether or not he perceives that window closing is anyone's guess.
I wen to my IC today and she mentioned that I appear much stronger and more certain than even a month ago. I told her that the realization that I can't make my H be a better man is finally sinking in. If he cannot do the work and fix himself then I cannot stay with him. I derserve better and my children most definitely do. H mentioned yesterday that he isn't the one keeping me in limbo. At first I wanted to argue that his inability to be a grown up and fix what he broke most definitely keeps me in limbo. But in the end that's not true. If he can't grow then I must grow and leave him. I deserve a life surrounded by people who are authentic and constantly trying to be better people. I don't deserve to be around someone who hurts me and then stuffs his head in the sand rather than do the painful work of reconciling with the person he hurt. H is acting like a child, heck even my 5 year old knows to say you're sorry and then make up for hurting someone. But my 35 year old H is burying himself in work but refusing to do bare minimum for building our marriage back up. He asked for space and time, I'm giving it but not in an endless supply.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I agree with you on how our WAS/WS act like children. It is part of the script it seems with the immature mental/ emotional behavior that they have. I believe that is why Dbing is so valuable for us. Our instinct is to convince them to behave like an adult and make a wise choice. But this does not work as it would not with a child.
I agree with your IC that you have come a long way in a short time. You really are getting the point of what to do and what not to do. Your children are very lucky to have such a strong person as their mother.
Have you checked out Cherry's story yet. I agree that your switch has many similarities and your sass is much the same.
Have a wonderful day today and don't forget to give lots of hugs to the lil ones. They will benefit greatly from it and you will draw strength and comfort from them.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
SadHub: I've been reading Cherry's threads when I get a breaks here and there, her story is VERY similar to mine. I think at this point the main emotions I feel are frustration and anger towards H. He's is being given a gift, a patient wife who is willing to give him a second chance after the biggest betrayal one can do to their spouse. instead of manning up he is wallowing in his guilt and deciding if he can love me again. Say what?! It should be me deciding that and whether or not to give our marriage a second chance.
That's what sticks in my craw, that he is acting like the wounded party and licking his wounds. He just needs to get over himself and grow up already! I want my kids to be raised in a loving home with two dedicated and loving parents who can model a good marriage. If I have to drag his stupid, stubborn butt into that picture, I will. I am feeling pretty spunky today and have been keeping myself busy. Tomorrow I have a session scheduled with my DBing coach, I plan to ask for some direction with regards to whether or not to hold off on the intensive until H wants to join or if I should just do it on my own. It's a lot of money but it's cheaper than a divorce.
I also will be going to my residency graduation tomorrow. It's pretty sad that H will not be there, this is a HUGE milestone in my life. He didn't offer to come, just wants to work and make gobs of money. He must think you can buy back time or something.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sara, You must give your H time. Wanting to have his kids with him and being afraid that he will have a lot to lose are totally valid reasons for him wanting to stay in the M.
But these reasons will not make you nor him happy in the M. What attracted H to you? Have you somehow lost something in the mad rush that is married life? Do you think you can find that back again? For yourself and not just for H?
Sorry to hear that your H will not be joining you for your graduation. (((Sara)))
But congratulations on your graduation! Put on your game face and enjoy your big day.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
JksD, I hear you. WH said he doesn't want to lose the kids and doesn't want to be embarrassed if people find out he is getting divorced because of infidelity. I honestly don't think he fully realizes what he would be losing if we divorce. He does not appear to put any worth on me. I was a very independent, confident and spontaneous woman when H and met. I am still very independent, not as spontaneous as the kids present an obstacle to that presently. My confidence is completely shot after the affair. I was questioning everything about myself after he cheated with a 21 yo co-worker whom he had known for 3 weeks. Now I am beginning to realize that I am not lacking, H is lacking something inside himself to cheat.
I just got off the phone with the DBing coach. He recommends I drop all talk of the intensive as it shows I am not really listening to H. He is actively telling me he is not interested in MC of any shape or form and my actions are showing I am still behaving as if I have an agenda. Message received. I guess I will continue to go to IC (with a couples counselor) and maybe H will be interested when/if he decides to get back in the marriage. He also stated that H is coming from a place of fear and that he feels judged. My conversations still show judgement and I need to find away to stop that. the coach said that love is the most powerful emotion and someone will be able to overcome fear, guilt, anger if they feel love for someone. So I need to continue to lovingly detach while still showing him that there are reasons to love me.
Sigh. This tightrope is hell to walk. There are times when I realize that H is spinning horribly and he doesn't know what he wants or desires. I need to remember that he is lost and confused and everything out of his mouth is basically the words of a lost person. I need to view him with compassion instead of anger or contempt. I know there is a good man in there but I need to remember that my pain is my own and his is his own.
In a few weeks I will be moving back to my home state around my (somewhat dysfunctional) family. I am nervous but very ready to start a new chapter in my life. I will be financially independent and surrounded by a good support network. I just need to hang on until then.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Hey! Thought I would check in and let you know how great you are doing.
I've read parts of your thread but not fully had a chance to read in detail. It's hard, so hard. Especially when they become a person you never thought they would. Well done to you standing strong and focusing on your little ones.
You are doing good at recognising that this is his journey, and his issue. It is hard when you want to help them when they hit self destruct. But I'm not sure there is anything we can do. Apart from step back a little and focus on us. Do whatever you need to do to look after yourself and your little ones at this time
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Hi Cherry! Thanks for stopping by, I've been going through all your threads and am struck by the similarities in our WH's behavior. It's so frustrating when they are the ones acting as if they need to learn to trust us again and we have to treat them like the wounded party, huh? Sometimes I think having my teeth pulled without anesthesia would less painful.
Vanilla, My Db definitely gave me concrete guidelines and directions for staying on the straight path.
SadHub, Some days I feel strong and other days I feel very shattered. I just try to focus on taking one small step at a time.
Yesterday I had my residency graduation for the hospital (all specialties)and we had a fair time. We're having a graduation ceremony for my specialty on Tuesday night and I am looking forward to that one. It's more personal and I will know everyone there. Today I am having a bar-b-que with my fellow residents and am looking forward to the kids getting to run around and play. It will be a good distraction. Tomorrow I have my last call for 12 hours so overall this weekend is full of distractions and GAL.
I tried to read Surviving the Affair on Thursday but my heart just wasn't in it. IT speaks about the WS being remorseful and all the things he/she should do to assure the BS. My WH has done none of it and I just feel like I am re-reading the same guidelines and have done everything on my end.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Hope you have a great bbq and enjoy yourself. You deserve it!
And yes you are so right on the having teeth pulled comment! And the similarities are insane. Especially when you said about being remorseful and having done everything at your end. I too feel the exact same right now. It's hard when you have done all the heavy lifting by yourself for such a long time.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
