I totally understand everything you wrote in your first post. I can't tell you how many imaginary conversations I had with XW while I was in the shower or driving to work, in which I explained myself. What helped was keeping strict strict strict no contact for enough time that eventually I realized that I had no idea what she thought anymore, and I was projecting her part onto her, and that essentially I was just talking to myself.
Nowadays she's just a stranger that once made the decision to murder my wife and destroy my family.
As for why you needed her so much, this is important to figure out. For me the answer was that I was terrified of abandonment. It was worse than death. I was working with IC to try to figure out where my fear of abandonment came from, because I never felt abandoned by my parents. But after a few sessions he guided me to the answer which I knew was right. I had abandoned myself. See, when I was 12 I had emotionally dissociated and tried to live in my head. Feelings I stuffed away, and I became focused on tasks and goals. I never did learn to care for myself.
When I met XW I had a 'covert contract' (unspoken expectation or agreement) in which I would do anything she wanted every day to the best of my ability, provide for her, love her, give her children, a house, a car, fine dinners, roses, whatever...all I asked in return was that she loved me and filled the hole in my heart and made everything ok. Well, she never could fill the hole in my heart, because it was bottomless and no one can fill something that only I can fill. And as a result I grew resentful that she didn't love me enough, and she felt resentful I was always dissatisfied with her, and she left.
In the end I found the only way out was to take care of myself. Post BD whatever I wanted from XW, I did for myself. Did I need to be comforted? I literally pictured myself comforting the 12 year old emotionally stunted emotional self within myself and assuring myself I wouldn't abandon me again. I held my own hand. I hugged myself mentally. If I needed validation, I surrounded myself with a few good friends that could hear me out. If I needed companionship, likewise. Bottom line, I REFUSED to cling to the delusion that XW was the sole keyholder to my salvation in this universe. She is NOT. She never was. And the fact that I tried to make her into one was what drove her away.
Is any of this similar to your world? If so, isn't it time you started taking care of and learning to love yourself? If you can't do it, no one else can.
I've always challenged LBS's with this: How can you expect her to get over her dependence on OM, if you can't get over your dependence on her? Act with the character you wished she had. Be a leader.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
