Drop the Rope VII

[Vanilla]

I acknowledge the FOO info you have typed. I will discuss with IC and do a more in depth review, I just know that this forum is not the place for an all encompassing history and analysis. your focused info has helped me doing more searching and thinking about it than I ever would have.

You know where to message the dancing accountant and her tribe if you do. There is more than just V in the enclave. There are resources which I can't mention without going back on moderation.

Which boundaries will help you most?

In answering when others try to define you, what will make you authentically you?

I think this summarizes my whole struggle V. What boundaries SHOULD I have that I have not already implemented, that will allow me to be me...that will allow me to freely live the life I want to. we all know why I haven't installed those boundaries yet...weakness.

I have read more and more and more and recognize more every day, those behaviors of others, that I have allowed to dictate my actions, allowed to control me, allowed to diminish me.

I am glad you see that tendency. I would like Zephyr to be clear in expressing his displeasure. I don't like this! and really? And can you repeat that please? Are three of my go to sayings. They usually get a back track or apology. Along with: did I hear you correctly?

even as I have felt much less attached to wife, I am still allowing my desire to be wanted and loved from her to dictate some reactions. there is a change in so far as I do not react to fix her or rush in to help like I once did, or try to make a mends for something that I didn't do, or take offense / react when she is venting about things that went wrong or about others.

Good

The desire to be wanted and loved IS still very strong for me, that I have ACCEPTED less than I should, worse I have allowed poor treatment. Using compassion for her, as an excuse for her...how is that actually helping her or me. it is only enabling her behavior.

Yes, indeed, absolutely. Cognitive dissonance using rationalisation to bridge the gap. It serves you otherwise this would not be something that you do. It has a purpose for you. What is it?

why has it seemed like things are 'better' in my house. no more raging at me, or outburst of anger or belittling me like she used to...it is much clearer now, because she doesn't have to. she has found that withholding affection or parsing it out in tiny little bits is waaaaaaay more effective in controlling me.

Your choice to be controlled Zephyr. Now you can observe it, you have more choices. Kindness to yourself is key in this. You can learn to self soothe so the need for another to provide this function. It's one of the key adult skills. Self soothing.

Ineffective / nonexistent boundaries and holding on too tight...is that all I need to fix?

Yes and expectation. When typing my responses I went backwards.


I hate that I live my life without being able to express emotions because, I am overreacting.

I would like a bigger explanation

I hate that I live my life not being able to share love or express love without some form of rejection

Now that is a choice, your choice. You have the right to express love, just because you have done so they are under no obligation. Your choice to love, yours to express it and others have no obligation to respond.

I hate that I feel like my needs are always trivialized, especially when I express them

The boundary here is your needs trivialisedoing not validated. No one has to meet another's needs, that is childish demand territory. But diminishing their feelings and needs, their right to them is quite another.
That my lovely Zephyr is a boundary.

I hate that I live in a marriage that I am taken for granted

And you would hate it if you weren't.

I hate that I am not shown as an equal, that each doing their share is not even a thing.

Share doesn't have to be equal, consider value and worth. Some things are worth more than others. For instance I have a friend I share with. Once recently I went with her for a breast exam, she was worried and I held her hand. That gesture she tells me meant more than months of girl chats, but it was 10 minutes.

I hate that when I get a sense that I am being lied to, I have no recourse.

The recourse is straight forward disbelief.

I am typing these things, because once I say it, I can't unsay it.

well that was not the response I was thinking of when I sat down to type.

You give the answers you want to give that are right for you and that's ok.


Sorry if it is not the type of response you were looking for from me V. I kinda needed to type it though...so thank you for prompting me

Then it's done it's job.

((((Vanilla))))