Its not too late!

[mylittlehalo]

Randy, Welcome to my thread I am looking forward to answering your questions. I have thought these questions through all day and I have to admit you stumped me for a while.

My W is so sure right now she wants D and doesn’t love me anymore. She also feels she will never love me again. I would like to get some insight as to what she may be thinking if anything.

Reading this line puts me back in time.

I am curious about some of your feelings in the beginning ie, when you were with OM, did you have any intention of reconciliation with H? Did you feel at that time that you loved your H or OM? Did you think about H? Did H think about you? If you know other feeling H went thru then I would be interested in that also.

I too was so sure I wanted a D, I did not love my H (possibly never did), I wanted nothing to do with him. I would never be able to trust him or myself again and I would never love him again. I needed affection, love, support, understanding, communication, trust, everything I was sure he could not or never did give me. I just wanted to move on with my life and finally be happy. I had no idea this wish would make me miserable for years to come. What I thought would make me happy made me sick (physically sick). About a month after my H finally agreed to the D I started having second thoughts, wondering if I was doing the right thing, etc.
Being very honest here... When I was with OM, I did my best to leave stbxh hanging on. I wanted my cake and wanted to eat it too. The sad thing is that I knew how much my XH loved me and I completely took advantage of it. If he would call and I was with Om I was very ugly to him but if he would call and I wasn't with OM or if Om and I were in a fight I would be as sweet as could be to him. Tell him how much I loved him and how much I missed him, how I wanted to work on us again. We tried 1/2 heartedly several dozen times to reconcile during the year it took for our D to be final.
The most amazing thing happened the first time OM and I got into an argument I missed my H. My relationship with OM was fun, spontaneous, and a constant party. He would take me out, show me off then I/we would go home. I was his arm candy, he treated me like a precious jewel. When I was not being played with or shown off I was put on a shelf and pampered. We were not supposed to fight or argue like couples do. If I wanted to do that I would go back to my H. The first fight OM and I had made me realize how much I missed my H. I tried to get away from OM and was successful for the first few days until XOm would call just to tell me he was thinking of me (how sweet I thought).

I thought about how wonderful H was when I was with OM, but I never thought of how wonderful OM was when I was with H, yet time after time I would run back to OM. Strange huh?
I now know I did not love OM, I loved the idea of having a R that consisted of going out, never being serious, not arguing, not having to worry about someone getting too close to me. My dream was to never have to worry about having another broken heart, love hurt and I was determined to do everything in my power to make sure I did not get hurt again. Xh and I have had conversations about his feelings and what he experienced during the last few years. His were much of the same feelings as the feelings I experienced. He was angry, blamed his-self for the failure of our M. He too was torn between the Party R (with Ow) and the real life R (with me). He was scared and was skeptical as to what he was going to do. From what he tells me, he knew ,almost instantly, when he and Ow bought their house that he wanted to be with me, he was scared he let me get away.

I am not sure if I have ever shared when or what caused me to get serious about getting my R & M back... The day I decided I did not want to live with out my H any longer was September 11, 2001. Yes, that’s right the day the planes ran into the New York buildings. I was at work staring at the TV, watching all the faces of the spouses and friends of the people who were trapped under the ruble. The looks on their faces, not knowing if their loved ones were dead or alive woke me up. As I looked at the people on the TV, I saw myself. After work I went to the bookstore for hours, looking through every self help book I could find. Luckily, I found DR. This book changed my life.

You know how I said earlier that I knew exactly how much STBXH loved me and I took advantage of that? Well, sometimes I feel as though he will never be able to love like that again, That the S & D hurt him bad and he built walls around his heart never to be torn down. Our R is stronger than it has ever been and I am excited we have a chance to have a wonderful R & M. Granted he is a little standoffish but I can’t blame him for that! I am being cautious as well.

Randy, I hope I answered some of your questions.

About his house, I believe it is a done deal, the retired couple is going to purchase it which leaves us free to buy the house we want. Hurray

Hugs and Prayers