Some days are better than others

[EDF]

Thx for the feedback guys. I definitely don't feel strong and still struggle with the emotions a lot. I feel I've done a strong job on GAL and Validation, but whether I feel detached or not seems to vary on a day-to-day basis still.

I didn't state a specific consequence for if she violated the "No Open Relationship" boundary - that conversation was very early in the process and before I knew much about the EA situation and I was focused on just not making it a Divorce ultimatum. My initial personal focus was on the DB/GAL process and becoming "the man any woman would be a fool to leave". During those earlier days I was starting to detach but was still also trying to show her how good of a husband I could be.

Weeks later, when I confronted her about the EA I still avoided a Divorce ultimatum, but I said words about me not willing to be a doormat, and not willing to be in limbo forever. Since that conversation I have been trying to be more mysterious and doing more things solo, and cutting back on the Husbandy things. Went to visit my parents solo on my birthday weekend and planning other things without her. I am also being careful to carry my weight at home, but not to do her share or to do the little things I used to do like helping her with her food prep/cooking.

In my mind, that stuff was the consequence of her not ending things altogether with OM, and I was saving more severe consequences as time passed or if she escalated things... but a significant part is also fear of offering a Divorce Ultimatum and then having to back it up.

She is still in the MBR. Since things had seemed to be petering out with OM, I was also viewing that as some teeth I was holding in reserve for a future consequence.

From what I've read she doesn't seem that far out there, so this may be enough to jolt her back to reality, and if not, how long are you willing to wait before A escalates or a new one begins anyway?

I think everyone agrees that the MR can't move forward until the A ends, and it just seems to me that letting it drag on for too long may make things worse in the long run.

I definitely agree the A needs to end before things could improve, but have been torn between the seemingly competing tenets to enforce strong consequences for boundaries but also don't force a divorce. I see a lot of advise along the lines of "letting her do the work" if she really wants a divorce.

That's the direction I have been leaning in so far. Not sure if that's strength or fear talking.

One other thing to highlight, is I don't really know how much of the "petering out" I think/hope I am seeing is real vs due to temporary circumstances. We have both been head down getting ready for a big martial arts thing later this month, and that has been eating up a ton of our time. Once that is over, and she has much more free time, I'll see what her actions communicate.

If anyone has a 2x4 for me, don't be shy... I'm very far from having things figured out.