What Should I be doing (4)

[Coconut]

It's simply a choice to wake up every day and think "I don't need you, but I want you." For me, I want my family intact, I want financial security, I want to raise my kids with someone that loves them as much as I do, I want to have history with someone, I want to know that I tried everything I could.

So to my point. Blu, this hits the nail right on the head and is the missing piece in far to many relationships IMHO.
"I don't need you, but I want you."
How many are struggling in this community because they NEED their spouse.
This is obvious in the postings, because in one sentence the LBS is talking about all the things they need from the WAS/WW, then in the next sentence, the comments are all about the person that they can not believe the WAS/WW has become and they do not like nor want to be with that person.

I'd like to add to this "I want you, I don't need you" thought... I was never able to detach from my WW, so when she came around and I got "her" back, I started having a lot of anger build up. I think a big part of that is because I "Needed" my W back, but who I got back was not my W, at least not the W I needed. I got back my W who had an affair.

In the beginning stages, the person that we naturally want to chase and save from ruining our M is the W we know, but upon Bomb Drop, that person is gone. I see a future with my W, but not the same future I saw before bomb drop, I now have to consciously decide that I want the future with the W I have now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though my WW came back to me, the W that I "needed" no longer exists, and had I been able to detach I don't think that realization would have had such an impact on me.

So Sandi's post above:
It takes purposely planning and prioritizing one another, in a healthy & balanced way..........(you don't want to swing so far the other direction till you both become co-dependent on the MR).

And then the quotes above from Blu's thread has me wondering if I'm still attached, and if I am who am I attached to. I will definitely say that I am not co-dependent at the moment, in fact I often find myself more relaxed and happy when out by myself than with my W (although in fairness we have had very little together time). I no longer feel like spending time with my W is automatic, it does take planning and prioritizing to spend time together, and more importantly to make sure it's quality time. For me, if my wife goes to the bedroom when I am ready to go to sleep, I no longer go to sleep early but take advantage of us being in the MBR together to chat and joke. I feel like I am no longer co-dependent, but am I still attached?

I know that if I was to find out today that my W was still having an A it would destroy me again, so I must still be attached, but logically I see my W as a different person than who I married. I see qualities I still am attracted to in my W, but I don't get the feeling of soul mate that I used to, so am I attached simply to the thought of who my W was?

Sorry my thoughts are all over the place, just felt like trying to get these thoughts out as best as I can. I'm still learning everyday, and I'm not even sure I am accurately representing what codependency is, but I explained it as I understand it at this moment.