Not sure where to start on my new thread. Sooo many thoughts are racing through my mind, none of which are productive in any way.
The top of the consuming thoughts is wanting to explain myself to xW. Wanting to tell her how I interpreted things, hopefully so she will see my side. It is just as overwhelming to consider the idea that I should not do that, that doing so is trying to change her. One example that continues to haunt me.
Everything else in my head is based on fear. Examples are fear of: - xW never coming around, I won't find someone else, and will end up alone - Being miserable and others not wanting to be around me - Going out in public alone - Not being able to provide for myself and my kids; financialy, cooking for them, being able to schedule time with them around work, etc. - My kids being bored when with me, not finding enough to do with them or not being present enough because I am miserable - Not being able to do the things I enjoy without help from xW - Not finding people to do stuff with - xW moving on just fine without me
7 months have passed, and I haven't stopped shaking for more than 30 seconds, and when I do finally relax I fall asleep.
My thoughts are not becoming clearer, in fact they seem to be getting even more jumbled up. The last few visits with IC haven't helped, she tells me things I have already read 100 times. I feel I am failing at every attempt I make at anything. Trying to plan things for this weekend, got busy with other things and didn't finish planning, and the weather is now going to be crappy for the things I was hoping to do. I was both excited and nervous to get the boat out. Was hoping to hang in the camper with the kids, but I haven't had time to get food for out there yet.
I'm finding nothing to put on the "success" list or my "gratitude" list. Maybe that is where I should shift my focus more? Every positive thought I have comes with a huge negative along with it, and it is consuming. Yep, got my camper, now I am afraid to go in it because it reminds me of xW.
Maybe my kids would even help?
Even with the huge list of negatives about xW in my head, I STILL wish for her to come around. There's nothing I can do. There's no way to talk to her to show her the new me. I feel so powerless, so out of control.
The goal, I think, is autonomy. Being happy with myself, right? Without becoming a hermit? Why was it that I was so content being alone, if I knew W was not too far away, but now it is torture? I only needed a few minutes of emotional support a day, and she provided it for me? Even an argument with her felt better than nothing.
