Some days are better than others

[EDF]

I'm still very open to any thoughts on handling the car situation.

So far I've been assisting a little bit, but leaving her to do the leg work (e.g. gave her the number for a Junkyard I've used before to get a quote.)

Haven't mentioned anything about money/finances to her yet.

[doodler]

EDF,

My thoughts, for what they're worth...

Use this as an opportunity to split your finances and allow your wife to buy her own car (or use Uber).

[Coconut]

EDF, first I want to say that you are incredibly strong, you ability to disengage and distance from the very start of this process is enviable. I have no idea how you kept your knowledge of the EA to yourself for so long, but I envy your strength.

I just went back and read all of your sitch, well skimmed through some of it, but I have a couple of questions. I read something where you mentioned setting a boundary of no open relationship, but I don't recall what the consequence attached was. Also, is your WW still in the MBR?

Just my thoughts for what it's worth, but it's been two months since you discovered the A and it's still ongoing. You say that it's petering out, so have you considered putting your foot down and seeing if you can get her to snap out of the fog and end the A?

This might be a good time to tell her that you understand her needing time to work through her situation, but you've given her time and she hasn't ended the A. That you refuse to be in or part of an open marriage and that if she doesn't end the A you will move forward with separation and divorce process. You can state that you are separating your finances and she can move forward with purchasing a new car on her own, and tell her you will not share the MBR with a cheater if she's still in there.

From what I've read she doesn't seem that far out there, so this may be enough to jolt her back to reality, and if not, how long are you willing to wait before A escalates or a new one begins anyway?

I think everyone agrees that the MR can't move forward until the A ends, and it just seems to me that letting it drag on for too long may make things worse in the long run.

[EDF]

Thx for the feedback guys. I definitely don't feel strong and still struggle with the emotions a lot. I feel I've done a strong job on GAL and Validation, but whether I feel detached or not seems to vary on a day-to-day basis still.

I didn't state a specific consequence for if she violated the "No Open Relationship" boundary - that conversation was very early in the process and before I knew much about the EA situation and I was focused on just not making it a Divorce ultimatum. My initial personal focus was on the DB/GAL process and becoming "the man any woman would be a fool to leave". During those earlier days I was starting to detach but was still also trying to show her how good of a husband I could be.

Weeks later, when I confronted her about the EA I still avoided a Divorce ultimatum, but I said words about me not willing to be a doormat, and not willing to be in limbo forever. Since that conversation I have been trying to be more mysterious and doing more things solo, and cutting back on the Husbandy things. Went to visit my parents solo on my birthday weekend and planning other things without her. I am also being careful to carry my weight at home, but not to do her share or to do the little things I used to do like helping her with her food prep/cooking.

In my mind, that stuff was the consequence of her not ending things altogether with OM, and I was saving more severe consequences as time passed or if she escalated things... but a significant part is also fear of offering a Divorce Ultimatum and then having to back it up.

She is still in the MBR. Since things had seemed to be petering out with OM, I was also viewing that as some teeth I was holding in reserve for a future consequence.

From what I've read she doesn't seem that far out there, so this may be enough to jolt her back to reality, and if not, how long are you willing to wait before A escalates or a new one begins anyway?

I think everyone agrees that the MR can't move forward until the A ends, and it just seems to me that letting it drag on for too long may make things worse in the long run.

I definitely agree the A needs to end before things could improve, but have been torn between the seemingly competing tenets to enforce strong consequences for boundaries but also don't force a divorce. I see a lot of advise along the lines of "letting her do the work" if she really wants a divorce.

That's the direction I have been leaning in so far. Not sure if that's strength or fear talking.

One other thing to highlight, is I don't really know how much of the "petering out" I think/hope I am seeing is real vs due to temporary circumstances. We have both been head down getting ready for a big martial arts thing later this month, and that has been eating up a ton of our time. Once that is over, and she has much more free time, I'll see what her actions communicate.

If anyone has a 2x4 for me, don't be shy... I'm very far from having things figured out.

[EDF]

Well, we had our first real fight since BD. Otherwise things have been pretty civil. I thought she seemed like she was in a decent mood at Martial Arts class but we got home and then she started complaining and complaining.

I had invited people over for the UFC fight Saturday - mostly people from our Martial Arts class. WW said she wished I had checked with her first and started listing a litany of reasons it was a "bad idea", including:

1. House was dirty. (Cleaners were literally here this morning!)
2. She didn't want a bunch of people she didn't know over (classmates!)
3. I said I was going to get Sausage & Crackers but that has too much salt.
4. One of the guys is in a wheelchair and she's worried it might damage our wood laminate flooring.

I'm thinking WTF?! What is she really complaining about here? I am reeling a bit and start trying to argue/persuade but manage to recover after a bit and try to validate even though she is giving frankly bulllshit reasons.

I try to ask questions and get her talking, and she mentions a couple other bullshit reasons and finally that she had been thinking of going out Saturday night but now if she does people will wonder why she is not there.

Ding ding ding! Pretty sure that last one is what this was really all about.

I tell her that's not a problem that I didn't tell anyone you would or wouldn't be there so if you have other plans no one will think twice, but she was still distraught. Made a comment about "don't worry she will adapt to everyone else's plans and get through just like she always does"

I kinda hit my threshold at that that point and broke DB a bit and called her on it. Tried to stay calm but pointed out that while her feelings are valid, she knows I didn't set out to [censored] on her plans, and she hasn't been the only one having to put up with other people's actions. Also pointed out that while I hear her I don't understand why she is so worried about the guests... It's not like I invited a bunch of homeless bums.

She was still agitated, but backpedaled quite a bit, which was nice for a change... Normally I'm the one trying to backpedal my way out of conflicts.

We talked a bit more. I validated a bit more. Got her input on what specifically she thought still needed to be cleaned so I can address it.

I think the sitch is she was probably thinking of going dancing Saturday. Sometimes she invites me, sometimes not, and I imagine she didn't want to get dolled up and then leave solo while everyone was here...

[EDF]

Saturday was weird. WW was pretty friendly. Still zero physical contact... I hate that part. She invited me grocery shopping, and helped get ready for the UFC get-together, and was friendly/watching with everyone, and joking a bit with me.

She sat on the floor even though there was room on the couch by me - that stung. I guess I had "expectations" there. Still had a good night and was sociable with the visiting friends, and tried to not get hung up on WW.

Really struggling with the lack of physical touch. Touch is one of my love languages; WW was never great at that, but the zero contact is a new level of difficult. I'm being very tempted to ask her to snuggle, or to try and seduce her, or to give her a drive-by hug. I know that wouldn't help things, but very tempted.

I feel silly, but it makes me kinda jealous of some of the other LBSs whose WWs do physical temp checks... I also worry what if my WWs feelings are truly dead dead for me. Trying not to read into things but it's tough.

[EDF]

Went ahead and talked to the WW briefly about beginning to separate finances, since she is needing to replace her car and we're still in limbo.

I told her I imagined she would probably want to get the car loan in just her name, and we can talk later about how to split our savings so she can figure out how much she wants to put on the car versus saving for other things.

I'm sure she was planning to get the car loan in just her name already, but I think discussing separating finances was unexpected. Will bring up getting separate credit cards and checking accounts later this week too, but need to plan things out a bit more first.

[EDF]

Wrong emote. More of a mood today, but trying to keep the music on and fake being upbeat.

[EDF]

Well. Wife has been pretty chatty. I've been keeping myself busy with some work while listening to music and then decided to go for a walk while it was light out. WW asked if I wanted her to go, and I replied with a shrug and "you're welcome to if you want".

She came along. About halfway through she starts a R talk. I listen and try to validate. All very civil and calm but she drops a couple new lines.

"She thought things were doing much better after BD until I found out about the EA. Now she feels like she has to choose (between me and flirting with other guys) and she's screwed either way."

"When she's been out solo and flirting she realizes it hasn't been as good as she thought it would, and she's watched other people in their relationships and knows the grass isn't always greener."

"She hates how our relationship is right now, and says it [censored] for both of us, but she doesn't want to act lovey and pretend things are fine in case she leaves."

"She has tried looking at costs and she realizes she would struggle. She wishes she made the money I do, cause then her decision would probably be a lot easier."

"She thinks life [censored] no matter what you do, so she wants to live in the moment."

"She hasn't had much time to think about things because of the ramped up Martial Arts training." (which ends in a couple weeks).

On the way home it started raining and she joked about too bad she wasn't wearing a white shirt.

...

It's still hard to wrap my head around how disjointed her thought process can be. Some of the things she said should have really hurt... And it stings, but it's kinda muted... I'm better at recognizing the spew, and know not everything in our R was my fault, and I'm seeing her increasingly as "broken".

If this stays as the new Her, I don't want it.

[EDF]

And now I'm sitting on the couch, reading the DB forum chuckling to myself about some of the crazy things mine and other WS' say and do, and she sits down across from me and starts rubbing her feet against my feet. I just keep reading. She keeps talking. She would share a donut. We should get pizza. She read something funny on the internet.

I think my previous detaching wasn't as good as I wanted to think it was.