and i am going to approach her on it today when i pick the kids up. im going to tell her that i dont feel respected, when she "forgets to call her mom for a week"
Let me suggest to you that you take a different route in giving her the message. Don't talk to her about how this makes you feel disrespected. At least, not at this time. You really must learn how to get the message across with your actions........not words. The WW will dismiss the words........but pay attention to actions.
Until the two of you have fully reconciled and she is actually committed to the MR, I think you have to view her as wayward. Her behavior, perhaps, has improved on some level.......but until you see a complete shift in her attitude/treatment toward you.......you will need to use actions as a method to show what you won't tolerate. I mean, effective boundary setting.
When you feel she is taking you for granted, pull waaaaay back. Stop being available to run errands, keep the kids, fix her problems, hang out when she's lonely, and free to chat.
When you feel disrespected...........how can you show her you no longer tolerate disrespect? Some spouses have to be "taught", and I don't mean in a punitive, vindictive type of teaching them a lesson. I mean you teach them through consequences. Large or small, if the disrespectful person never sees any consequences for what they are doing, then why would they stop? B/c they love you? Nice thinking, only it doesn't work that way with a WW.
Although taking a person for granted can be seen as a level of disrespect.........we see it displayed almost every day in our world.......maybe even in our own homes. So, how do we teach our children and the adults in our family to stop taking advantage and not take for granted the other person?
As I previously suggested, you absolutely need to stop keeping the kids on her weekends. It doesn't mean you don't want them. It means you are abiding by the visitation schedule and getting a life on your free weekends. And, she really needs a wakeup call about "offering" the kids for you to keep, b/c now, she's kind of expecting it and will take for granted she can be free on any weekend she chooses. Therefore, I believe you need to have made "plans" for the weekends she is scheduled to have the kids.
The next time she wants to meet for lunch (or whatever it was, when she kept you waiting), I would suggest you show her how hesitant you are about meeting her for another luncheon, or keeping the kids while she doesn't bother getting home when she originally said. The first time she asks, you can give a small laugh and say something like, "I don't think so. The last time did not work well for me". If she wants to know what you mean, just tell her to think about and you feel she'll figure it out.
I don't think it requires coldness and/or anger. I think it requires strength and, maybe even sternness. I think it requires a keen awareness and determination not to fall back into those old habits from either spouse. I see where a H could be strong, calm, and even having a sense of humor when he watches his WW try, and fail, her manipulative methods. He can't lose his focus by having a few good days/weeks with her. She is going to test him. That is a promise!
Two things happen when the WW fails at manipulation. She gains respect for him, and his self-respect is boosted. At first, she may be get angry when she can't manipulate him. The longer she has used this method......the tougher it could be to break. Eventually, she will either respect him or she'll move on. Either way should be a win for her the man she disrespected and manipulated.
WW's are notorious for showing disrespect for the LBH'S. They have to see they no longer get away by treating the H in any form or fashion of disrespect. And until you can sera big change in this area...........you do not need to move in together again. It is vital to rebuilding a healthy relationship.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
