Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 2

[PsySara]

JksD,
I hear you. WH said he doesn't want to lose the kids and doesn't want to be embarrassed if people find out he is getting divorced because of infidelity. I honestly don't think he fully realizes what he would be losing if we divorce. He does not appear to put any worth on me. I was a very independent, confident and spontaneous woman when H and met. I am still very independent, not as spontaneous as the kids present an obstacle to that presently. My confidence is completely shot after the affair. I was questioning everything about myself after he cheated with a 21 yo co-worker whom he had known for 3 weeks. Now I am beginning to realize that I am not lacking, H is lacking something inside himself to cheat.

I just got off the phone with the DBing coach. He recommends I drop all talk of the intensive as it shows I am not really listening to H. He is actively telling me he is not interested in MC of any shape or form and my actions are showing I am still behaving as if I have an agenda. Message received. I guess I will continue to go to IC (with a couples counselor) and maybe H will be interested when/if he decides to get back in the marriage. He also stated that H is coming from a place of fear and that he feels judged. My conversations still show judgement and I need to find away to stop that. the coach said that love is the most powerful emotion and someone will be able to overcome fear, guilt, anger if they feel love for someone. So I need to continue to lovingly detach while still showing him that there are reasons to love me.

Sigh. This tightrope is hell to walk. There are times when I realize that H is spinning horribly and he doesn't know what he wants or desires. I need to remember that he is lost and confused and everything out of his mouth is basically the words of a lost person. I need to view him with compassion instead of anger or contempt. I know there is a good man in there but I need to remember that my pain is my own and his is his own.

In a few weeks I will be moving back to my home state around my (somewhat dysfunctional) family. I am nervous but very ready to start a new chapter in my life. I will be financially independent and surrounded by a good support network. I just need to hang on until then.