I guess I found land

[JksD]

I discovered that my recent spinning has most probably been a result of trying to wean myself from ADs. Okay, not a good idea.

So back to the ADs again today, and I find myself less angry and overwhelmed.

Had a series of exchanges with the x over kid's schedule yesterday. The x was in a rather conciliatory mood and was quite calm, even when I threw a spanner into some of his plans for kid. (Not deliberate; just that we had the same thing planned). For the umpteenth time, I can't help but wonder: has he found this forum??? Omg, or maybe TP is really a flower-farting fairy who is beyond this world, if she can have this effect on him. Or maybe his violence counselling helped?

For the record, if you are reading this post, dear x, please know that while I appreciate the changes in you, please also know that no means no, that I will probably hate you and TP for a really long time and that you should not p!ss me off with some underhanded move, because....

(I always thought that ellipses were far more threatening than actual threats.)

And also that when you wear white bermudas, you should not, I stress, you should not, wear black undies. Just thought I would throw that in. I guess TP forgot to tell you that?

Anyways, back to the journaling. We were communicating quite fine when the x made a cryptic comment that I didn't quite understand. My heckles quickly rose, because he has a very bad habit of texting me messages meant for the toilet paper. It was/ is bl%%dy painful.

I told him that perhaps we should just stick to sharing calendars so that we could prevent unnecessary communication which could lead to 'unfortunate' mistakes like this happening. The x quickly explained that he had misunderstood one of my texts but I was blinded by the pain from past experiences, and was extremely snappy.

This morning, I started a calendar and filled it up with kid's schedule. The x was still in a rather conciliatory mood, and told me not to share the calendar with his old email account. This made me pause a little as I realised that it was the account that I had sent all the electronic 'love letters', reminisces and what nots in the early days post BD. It took me a long time before I stopped because the x was moved by (most of) them. It seems that whatever good these emails did was undone by my pain and hurt and anger. I eventually stopped because each email was a little bit of my heart, and I thought I had better keep some of my heart for myself.


Well, to keep a long story from getting even longer, when I had cooled down, I realised that I had probably over-reacted. Sheepishly, I apologised for being snappy and thanked him for planning fun activities for kid. I goofed around a bit with him through texts when he kept declining and accepting the events in the calendar.

During kid swop for dinner, things were a little strange. The x looked not as friendly as he did yesterday, but he stayed longer than was necessary, and kept asking kid where she wanted to eat. I thought it was strange because he could have settled that in his car, and usually, he was the one who decided.

And then I started wondering if he was trying to get me to suggest that I join them for dinner? I didn't want to mindread too much, so I just let it go.

So, that's that.