WAS or what (recap for me)

[roist]

Posted by Zephyr 4 may 2016

you know there will be folks here reading. it is just in newcomers there just aren't a ton of people who really understand what you are going through...so they don't post.

the ones that do keep falling by the wayside. you are doing absolutely awesome. I encourage you to read the latest posts by wonka (so glad to see her name pop up yesterday). apart fr9m a couoke if details she could have posted to you a year ago almost verbatim what she typed to coconuts. and look where you are, living that same advice every day.

you have been patient beyond words. you have been standing for something in the face of an adversity that your wife may never contemplate. sure you have cycled around from time to time...I do it all the time (yes thoughts if leaving still creep into my mind - i believe it is your protector trying to get you out of this).

if you leave though, you will not learn all of the lessons you were meant to, nor will you become the truely great man you were meant to be.

yes your wife is not there yet. she has just started to open up a bit. keep it light when you interact. ultimately you will have slip ups, reverting to old behaviors and she will notice and draw away...it is how you react the. that will matter. her walls cannot come down until she faces her reality that you are not the grumpy guss that she closed herself from. and along the way you will continue to teach her about those things you are learning (I say teach but i mean show her with Actions and not words) about compassionate and gratitude and acceptance all that stuff you've been trudging theough. I believe we have spoken about this path.

I don't know why I believe it is the RIGHT path, it just feels right and it seams like you have that same insight. keep that focus on you and what is ultimately making you happy to be alive...it shows through in every one of your interactions and she will begin to accept it or maybe she won't (although I doubt that).

wow, I am typing and i have a great smile on my face. I am talking about hope...more what is there in reality right now. yay!!!

[roist]

Posted 10 may 2016

Traits to change:
1 With the odd moment of lapse I do not have low self esteem and like myself much more than before this all began. I am not finished becoming who I want to be, so I imagine I will gain even more self esteem as I grow.

2 I guess this is just my nature and hence is slow to change. I have made great progress but all the peices are not in place.............. yet.

3 I don't consistently put my needs last anymore. I don't always put them first either. I don't let my needs get pushed by others.

4. I am definitely less pessimistic in general. Many of the stuff that would have been catastrophic before, I now realize is just inconvenient. Hence not so drastic.

5. I am tweaking and improving my communication. I am letting down some of my own guards. I know to thread carefully with W and not to flood her, but I use many opportunities to communicate that previously I could have missed/let go by. If my W asks my opinion on anything or what do I want to do etc, I NEVER EVER reply I don't know or I don't care. Any such question is an opportunity. I aim to rise to any such opportunity and in doing so I find I am more interesting, so win-win.

Traits I am working towards:

1 Assertiveness/confidence. I am more assertive and confident than before. In the past some kind 2x4s have been swung at me for being a puppet. I am aware of that dynamic and am slowly changing it. I will not let my W or anyone away with blatant disrespect.

2 Decicive. I am more in touch with what I want so making décisions in function is improving. I often ask myself what I want, before deciding stuff. I have been fairly passive in the past so this is a slow process.

3. Optimist/PMA. I choose to be optimistic about my situation. There are many reasons to believe. But more in general, i tend to be more optimistic. I will admit my PMA does not shoot up on the high end of the scale, but I can keep it in the positive side most of the time. But during GAL, I do switch off from my situation and enjoy myself much better than earlier on.

4. empathisz/validation. I am improving these but it is not yet automatic. Sometimes my W could say something and the best I can do is STFU and not retaliate. I am aware I miss some opportunities to validate and intend to work on that.

5. Emotionally open. Again I am improving. Whereas I don't have all of the nice guy traits (or at least not now), I did before have a tendancy to hide my shortcomings/mistakes etc. I now accept who I am warts and all and am able to be open about shortcomings etc. In general I am more open. I look forward to the day I can have a real emotionally open R with my W. If that does not happen, I will with someone else. It is sure. I was a very closed book, but I am now ready and able to share its content.

Overall I am happy with the progress made. I see where there is still work to be done. It is a work in progress and probably always will be.

The downside of improving self esteem and image of self is that I now value myself much more and know I deserve better. Ultimately I may have to decide to walk away, but I am further from doing that than I was six months ago.

For those of you unfamiliar with what I just outlined, it is a tool I borrowed from Caliguy, which helps you become who you want to be. You work to remove some bad traits, work towards some better traits and keep the ones you are happy with. Many here have found it helpful.

I'll have to relook at my actions lists soon to see if I am really meeting my goals.

[roist]

Posted 20 may 2016

While I work, I like to listen to Ted talks, films on internet or podcasts. My recent listening topic revolves around parenting. I was just looking into discipline but now I am hip deep in a much more global outlook.

What I have found out is fascinating......to me anyway. It is also heavy going because so many experts differ in their views. I thought I had been a good dad. I put in the time right from day 1, always had their best interest at heart etc etc. But boy relooking at the global long-term raring of children I could do so much better.

I have found an approach that resonates with me. So far I have listened to loads of hours describing it and it sounds great. I need to dig deeper to see how to implement it in real life, but that is taking shape.

Basically the theory is you treat your kids well, with respect and really connect with them. With connection they will be happier and should WANT to do what you want. It is much more detailed than that. The science behind it is fascinating. Happy connection releases a hormone ( oxytocin)
and this does marvelous stuff. Best drug ever.

I could not help but wonder is this the same mechanism that occurs during affairs. The process, the connection, the addiction.

Back to my research. I am zoning in on one or two "experts" and may buy one of their books for the practical implementation. The theory sounds great. A bit like the family in "seventh heaven".When I was young I used to watch that and think it was impossible to have such a connected loving family. Maybe it isn't possible but I am aiming to try have such a R with my sons.

I have already started some stuff recently heard and will develop this going forward. They love the gratitude activity I do with them.

Hope this made sense. It is very condensed summary.But the improvement work continues. It is exciting and a great distraction from my situation.

[roist]

Posted 25/05/2016

One thing I got from this mornings listenings is that my W is not trying to make me suffer. She is doing the best she can with her situation.This I believe to be true. It really does help to realise that. This in no way belittles how we are being treated, but does help how it affects us.

How we let things affect us is one of the key things I picked up on this journey.It really is a choice. It is not easy but is within our control. I try as much as possible to act in accordance to my beliefs/plan as much as possible regardless of how I feel or how W is. Except where disrespect is concerned I stand up to that and will act accordingly.

My greatest comfort is my greatest source of discomfort.My W. I will cake eat and appreciate what I have until I have become who I wantto be. Then we'll see about us. Also one of the things that gives me hope is also one that makes me lose hope, I.e. how long this has lasted.

I choose to be optimistic, though realistically so.

[roist]

Posted by Cadet 26/05/2016

First thing I will give you,
is that helping you to raise your children it might help if you look up
Erik Erikson who invented the Stages of Human Development.
This is what children are suppose to learn at different ages.
It is 8 stages and includes 3 stages of adulthood.
So 5 stages as a child.

As far as your relationship goes.
Sounds like your wife is in early menopause/perimenopause .

This could take years to complete and and she has to decide that
she wants to FIX herself, no differently than you and me.

My experience is that when things progress slowly and not as much high energy is
going on this whole process takes even longer.
So I guess I can only advise that you continue doing what you are working
on and at some point decide what you will and will not accept in your marriage.

[roist]

Posted by Cadet 01/06/2016

You can only connect with someone that wants to be connected to you.

Not sure right now you have that choice.

You are only responsible for your 50% of the marriage.

Originally Posted By: roist
The more I work on myself the more there is to work on.
Or at least more I want to work on.

Just that working on self is a Lifetime event.
You get to stop when they put you in a box and shovel dirt on you.
Dont let that stop you from continuing to move forward.