WAS or what (recap for me)

[roist]

Posted by Z 03/02/16


First is on your mood at home. I think many have touched on this so I won't go all coo-coo about it. the biggest issue I see is that right now your wife is reaching for anything to tip her scale. if you are showing her a bad mood or lack of content with your current situation and marriage, she will see / use it as just another sign that things are done – like you want it too.

I actually remember those words come out of my wife’s mouth 3 years ago or so...It was an eye opener for me. my bad moods, sour, resentfulness, depression, anxiety - whatever it was, showed through on all that I did. I could be doing something nice for her, but the resentment shown through. And she translated it into ‘Zephyr wanted out’. Right or wrong, it was her viewpoint, right. It was the way she saw things.

If you are in a bad mood, get out. do what you have to do to re-center yourself. I think that is a huge part of the GAL strategy. you not focusing on her, rather on yourself. you not worrying about your marriage for 3 hours because you are at an entertaining show OR WHATEVER. when you leave there, be grateful for that...today was a new day...all that jazz!!!!!!!!

Hell, last night I had to leave the house, she was fighting with the boys. Once I backed her up, I didn't feel like sitting in the stew that she was brewing so I mentioned I was going to the store. While there I was unwinding, got those tears of WHAT THE PHUCK AM I DOING THIS FOR, out of my system ... re-centered and went home (besides I needed more ice creasm). you need to be able to adapt, let things slide off of your back and not allow you to be knocked off of your game. I think that a lot of the lack of communication that we've spoken about and that squiggy is touching on above, shows through here...are you willing to just 'be' and open up or are you showing your mood and shutting down (you know I speak from experience here). It is not a bad idea to try an start the conversation more, BE PRESENT and try to enjoy the interaction.

It has taken the last year for me to get my wife to the point where she tells me about her day and asks about mine (although sometimes I start by telling her about mine)...yes, it sounds like she wants to have this conversation instead of has to. It took lots of time. lots of short quippy ones or 'fines' (then done) at first (don't take the bait when she gives you the 'fine' and nothing else, you can continue on with yours or show a sign of appreciation for her at least 'trying'). If you are present and genuinely WANT to hear it instead of feel obliged to listen, it will show through and will absolutely-positively show.

It doesn't seem like your wife does a whole lot of the spew (which might make it harder to let things go when she does criticize). Who knows what she is going through, remember most of the time this sort of struggle comes from a place of hurting...so compassion; just keep in mind your attitude is contagious and WAY more obvious that we think it is at the time.

Second thing. I am going to do a divergence from my normal-normal here. I want you to think about something for a while.

Are you thinking about separation like she is? If you are, don't feel guilty about it, not judging (I never will). maybe you can go out to a nice quiet place and just think about it for a bit. No kids around. no wife, no pressure. just Roiste and a Beer or something. Think about what it will mean to you. What will be different with you and how you live your life. come up with a list of things. Look at them and then make a goal, that you are going to start to do one of those things.

Why, it is important for you to stop looking at your situation as how to / or what we can do to fix it. How is your marriage ever going to get back to where it needs to be for you to be satisfied. Remember, this...your marriage is already dead. We've read this how many times on this board, but we thought it didn't apply to us - me & you, because our wives never said those words, that they wanted a divorce. We were wrong. Our old marriage is dead.

It is time for Roiste to start moving your feet. I realize how great of a job you are doing with your GAL - Great Improvement from a year AGO, KUDOS! This is your next step. Moving forward with your life, not just finding things to do...but actually moving ahead with some kind of action.

- Your job, you've expressed how you might want to switch from being self-employed...how far have you looked at this. I realize that finances and the uncertainty are a big deal, your wife is looking for work...does this tell you something or not...might be worth talking to her about both sides of this fence...might be a great excuse to try out your desire for communication.

- have you ever spoken to a lawyer? are you a citizen of the country you live? This might be a big deal if there were to be a separation (sorry not trying to pry too deep, genuinely curious). Have you done any sort of thoughts on how to separate finances.

- have you looked at separate living arrangements, seriously go and look at a couple of apartments and see what it would feel like, even if it is looking through apartment guides with floor plans to see where you and the boys will spend Saturday night or whatever...you get where I am getting at here...try it on for size. Just go see what it would feel like walking up the stairs of a new flat.

- Social circle. I know this is difficult to do, but it is really, really important to start building that list of friends up so that we can start living our lives a little fuller. social interactions with other men, it is really a big deal to help strengthen our masculinity. it could be going to a ball-game, bar, playing pool, whatever it takes. Meetup is a neat idea to just jump in with both feet...kinda scary to widen the circle but it is a must.

These are all things you can start to do to look at what Roiste's life will be like 'IF"

While your wife is stuck, there is no reason for you to be stuck right alongside of her. There is no reason for you to sit with her and her depression, confusion, unhappiness, wallow, blah. Start the process of moving on, what will it feel like…pretty scary still.

Your wife gives me the impression that she has no idea what to do next. Are you giving her that same impression here. Are you giving her any reason to show her that you are stuck too. She is basically telling you right off right now she wants out. Now we have THOUGHT that might be what she has wanted, but you have been acting AS-IF for the interim.

Now here I am back, I am not talking about giving up. I am talking about letting some more slack out of that rope we have been holding onto so very tightly. You have done, tried, wished and hoped so much. How about taking a deep breath and letting go a bit.

Keep the focus on you and your boys (yes I realize how hard it would be if there were a split, with respect to the boys...you are not alone with this). Your wifes journey, who knows where it will lead right now...she doesn't know, you don't know. Your journey thought...you have a pretty big hand in where that will go.

With all of that said, I still believe that all of what I just typed - in conjunction with compassion, understanding, willingness to give despite receiving nothing in return...all that I've spoken about 100 times...is still fundamental in not generating more resentment and to show you still love this woman with all of faults and her dark places, it is something she may never ever thank you for, who knows though maybe she will someday.

I don't want to rehash all of this, you've got enough of THOSE kinds of posts from me to last a lifetime.

I applaud all that you've accomplished so far and await to see what you come up with!