WAS or what (recap for me)

[roist]

Posted by Squiggy 03/02/2016

Great to hear the changes you've brought within yourself. With that clarification it really does sound like you're moving forward in that aspect, which can be so so hard to do. I was in a very similar situation with my son, and he became my sounding board for the changes I made within myself. Eventually, after I let go, he became THE reason to change. Amazing how much that went towards drawing her back as well.

Cadet is correct that the other guy is not your focus. Your boundaries and self-respect are the important parts. It's all about what you will or will not tolerate.

Here is my thinking on which path to take. You basically have two choices: save your marriage or choose to end it. You are the one to decide, but I'll try to give some suggestions for the former.

Choosing to save it is a harder path to take. After reading your last big post, I am a bit more convinced that you really need to be that solid, strong man and father in your home with a good PMA. No doubt your wife has a significant level of resentment towards you from the depression years, which could be also affected by cultural or FOO issues as well. She will need to see consistency in your changes for however long she needs.

Read this over and over again. Print if off, put it in your wallet, put it somewhere at work. Memorize it.
Originally Posted By: mutatio
All we have are our actions. We must display strength, loving kindness and compassion. If they see us living well, being a great parent, treating them well, they may reconsider their position, lower their guard, second guess their resolve and open up to us. For love to flourish and grow we have to tend the garden. Good soil (our home life), water (our behavior) and plenty of sunshine (our loving kindness) is what we must provide as our wife's stabilize and recover from their emotional struggle.

Quote:
And I asked her not to try convince here of anything but just to know, what she held against me or why she detached. I did not talk enough. I was bad at communicating. She felt she had to decide every thing on her own.
I remember having that talk with my W right before she moved out. Worked on every single item she listed, even when she was living 2.5 hours away. Your wife's openness is a gift that gives direction. You mentioned in another post that she complained you never talk about your day. If she is open to it, do it. Start off by checking in with her and validating (DBing is life). If she is open to it, experiment with casual conversation about your day. That's talking and communicating. The parenting I mentioned in my last post is an example of deciding and doing.

What are some other things you can do?

In doing these things you can hopefully keep the door open for her and create an environment where she can feel supported.