Ok, now that I've made it through all 8 pages, I'm caught up with what you have available. Let me preface by saying I didn't have to stand as long as you, and I cannot highlight enough the strength you've shown.
Before I go into too much, I'm going to attack this right here: Quote: I need to try this in the friend zone.
You are her HUSBAND. I can't put it exactly as MrBond used to tell me, but remember this point. Be her friend, but not her Bro. Get what I mean? One of the first things that drew my W back to me was seeing me return to that friend who was her Rock. However, it was made very clear within my boundaries to her that I am not her friend, and that if we were to divorce, we would simply be parents to our S. I never let it be interpreted as anything else.
It seems like a lot of information is missing from earlier deleted posts, so I'll go off of what I've read.
What are your 180s? What are you goals? I saw some listed, but they really seemed more like listing characteristics and not as much actions. I ask these to refocus because you went from "I'm detached" (been there) to "I don't think I'm as attached as I thought I was" (been there too) to "Holy crap this is absorbing me so much and draining my lifeblood" (Check - been there). DBing is about action. Look at the words used in the book, on the website, and in the forums. Your 180s and goals should be worded in such a way as well.
Some suggestions as I look through your posts:
If I were you when your W got annoyed, irritated, or whatever she was at that point in time with your sons, I would've stepped in, not waited for her to react, and consequence the children right then and there. Be the DAD. You picked a great way to intervene with the children. Now work on not waiting and act.
Call me a little biased, but I do not like that friend, and I fully admit I could be wrong. It SCREAMS of at least an EA. I keep seeing you dismiss and minimize it, not only in your thoughts but also in your words. Do you really want your wife talking to another man about her relationship with you? How many times do you hear of another man taking advantage of that weak moment in her life? How many songs are written about exactly this? Us guys seem to be programmed to swoop in and rescue the fair damsel in distress.
Control: Stop being a wet noodle. Cadet said it earlier in the thread that it really seems as though your wife is your puppet-master. I got that sense as well. I see evidence of pursuing, persuading (even though it may not seem like it to you), and approval-seeking. Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? I've skimmed through it and seen how it has helped some people here. It could be something to really help with your assertiveness/confidence while also working on boundary setting and communicating. You already are a strong man. Now it is time to find the tools to help you see and do it.
Detachment is a b*tch to achieve. I can tell you that it hurt me to do so, but it got easier over time. It hurt to see my W struggle with her getting behind in a car payment and losing her car insurance. It hurt to have her served divorce papers during those struggles. However, I learned that it was what she chose. I didn't choose her actions for her. I didn't choose the path she took. I am only responsible for my actions. Between sandi's list and Livestrong's Developing Detachment article, I was able to achieve (most of the time) detachment and finally breathe, focus, and really begin to change.
Ok, I think that is long enough for now! You are in a great situation where your wife is at home with you. Time to kick it into high gear and get moving forward while you have that blessing. I'll be keeping an eye on your thread and help as much as I can. By no means an expert, but if one thing helps you, then we can call it a success
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
