Need a fresh start...but he's still here

[lost18]

I haven't been on here in so long I'm not even sure where to start.

H's back is still causing him lots of pain & there is no settlement yet. Attorney said insurance company doesn't want to settle which causes lots of other issues.

H also had a heart attack in March. Lucky he realized in time and we made it to the ER or I could have been a widow.

I have really been struggling the past few months with our M. I want to stay married but want a good marriage. I feel we are so disconnected and just don't know how to reconnect. Not just emotionally, physically too. We have not had sex in months (talked about it right before his heart attack) but even when we were having sex that was the only time he touched me. Now, he doesn't touch me at all. I sometimes feel like he is punishing me. Not just with the lack of touch but also with the lack of doing things around the house and lack of doing things at all. Maybe because of some comments he has made about "what he used to do," and maybe because I read way too much into things.

Realizing I can't stay in a marriage like this forever AND I'm not happy with myself I have again started to focus a little more on me...baby steps. It's so easy to get back into old habits.