Cadet, it makes complete sense, I guess the ultimate goal out of all of this is to become a better person, whether he's with me or not. Sometimes that is very tough though.
I've been hanging in there, and I still have a lot of ups and downs. Yesterday I picked up some books on recovering from divorce. I think my mindset needs to be on just myself now, and that was the purpose of picking out some books to help me out. I've realized that because of how much I disagree with this divorce, many times when we talk, it just becomes so toxic. Other times when we do speak, like earlier this week, he acts SO NORMAL and it drives me crazy. He talks to me like he always used to talk to me, and jokes around with me in the same manner as well. At one point, he really wanted to become intimate, and I almost fell into that trap. Those things to me are mixed signals, and they confuse the heck out of me. So when he says something friendly and nice, I cling to it and it gives me hope, and when he says something nasty it tears me apart. I hate that I've given him so much power over me, and after seeing how much emotional control he has over me, to the point where I think it may have been emotional abuse, I know I have to just try my hardest to put myself first now.
