i have been wanting to respond to this post for a while now. I always get so happy when I see you've posted on my thread! Your posts really help me to examine myself.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Ju,
Know this, when another is ready to see they will, if they aren't they won't. Stop'showing' your change, that will come across as in authentic. What changes can change back. Instead work on you.
I agree with this completely. I am in a good position right now, because nothing I do is done with the thought of my husband in my mind. I remember in the beginning of my situation I would agonize over what to wear and making sure to have make up on when my husband would pick up son, and now it's not even a thought.
And you are right. It came across as sad and pathetic. And I'm right back to yoga pants and running sneakers during the day because it's functional for me. I exercise a lot and run after my wild beast of a son. I no longer want to reconcile. So my changes are not really for him. To be honest I won't really be able to implement the changes and things I learned until I am actually in another relationship.
The sexiest organ of the human body is the mind.
I love this comment and I agree completely. Maybe it's also referred to as chemistry? I know everyone is different, and that there is a huge difference in sexuality between genders. What attracts people? For me, it's definatly the mind and interaction and story. We went away for a bachelorette party a while ago and I was so relieved to not have to go to a male strip club. I'm not morally opposed, but it would be Completely repulsive to me and not something I wanted to spend money on. But some of my friends really wanted to go. I don't get it. But again everyone is different. I think it would be safe to say more women then men would think like me, but not even all women.
It's wanting to know what is a big turn out for your partner and what isn't, as it pleases YOU to know. It's doing something for theme because it's sexy for you. So if being tied up to a lamppost singing stars and stripes isn't for you don't do it as it hurts and is damaging for you then certainly not. If your other half wants to wear a tea cosy on his head and it's harmless go along.
love the imagery on this. You have quite the imagination vanilla! I have a feeling your partners are very lucky men. This sounds nice, not me singing...ever. But one day having that relationship with that type of exchange based on the mutual desire to please and be pleased. Something to look forward to, but feels foreign as its been so long.
In my view your priority for your sexual need was low and thus your comment about low priority for his. It is his job to satisfy his needs not yours. Drop the guilt on this aspect, and say you didn't prioritise YOUR needs. As long as you concentrate on him, you miss out on you. It sounds the same and it's not.
Why not?
This was very true. I think being a mom was something I just wasn't prepared for and I am not happy with how I handled it. I did not prioritize myself at all. I didn't want to spend any time or resources on myself Even when I could have. My role became mother and nothing more. I no longer felt sexy or sexual. I was happy to be a mom, but not happy or really satisfied because I didn't balance things well.
So start being sexy for you, learn how to turn you on, so that you are sexy. If that sounds cold too, it is rather. If that sounds planned it is too. It's deliberate.
So what do I do?
It starts in the mind, with the thoughts of sex, it starts with dressing well, nice underwear, looking after my grooming, feeling well, being at my healthiest. Clean fresh breath, makeup.
I think I left the wrong impression on you. I love clothes and shoes, expensive hair salons...a bit too much! But I'm also practical about it. I'm not the mom wearing high heels to go pick up my son after school, but I love having an excuse to dress up. I still have tags on a lot of my clothes because I don't know where to wear them. Lol. I don't like to drink, but I like an excuse to wear something nice.
But here's something that I cannot let go of... I was like this before becoming mom. Husband met me like this. But These are superficial things. The fact that it devalued me to my husband, when I stopped bothers me. I mean really bothers me, because it shows that he cared little for the deeper things that I brought into the relationship. And he didn't care about the deeper things. This devalued me enough for him to leave and treat me pretty badly. My needing him during a health crisis devalued me. Him witnessing my parents eccentricities first hand devalued me in his mind as well.
I am very uncomfortable with the thought of not being "perfect" for someone. I do not want to be vulnerable and I really am right now and I think that's what I have to figure out.
my confidence levels change daily though so who knows if I'll feel like this tomorrow.
Texts and other firts.
And yes occasionally it means getting me ready for the bedroom including getting the juices flowing. Then knowing what I want and asking for that too. As well as what my partner wants. It can mean negotiating, taking turns. It can mean a cosy night in, a fun night out, a sexy movie and a shared bath.
. Sadly not my present situation
That's me, you may wish to examine for yourself what does this for you. Then go do some of it. Not to show another instead to show yourself. That means for you, and that is a permission from V for you to have an A with yourself. No other person to be involved but you. These are skills you learn for you. Trust on this, others will notice. Really it's true, they will. And this way it's permanent.
This sounds nice, not me singing...ever. But one day having that relationship with that type of exchange based on the mutual desire to please and be pleased. Something to look forward to, but feels foreign as its been so long. 