I would have been shocked if you had really been over. So I'm happy he's patient and persistent, and you knew to lean in that direction.
I'm finding it's REALLY hard to trust. I'm having to learn an utterly new kind of patience. I'm having to let go of a LOT that I thought was true, and that was true about myself, and watch and see how things play out before I make judgments about what's going on. I wonder if that's true for you too?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I would have been shocked if you had really been over. So I'm happy he's patient and persistent, and you knew to lean in that direction.
This makes me smile. I'm happy he's patient and persistent, too.
I don't know how trust fits into my issues. I think from the perspective that I don't trust someone to take care of my heart, yes, I think that's true. I'm afraid that a man will run away from me if I'm not perfect, if I show emotion, if I say things that show my frustration, if heaven forbid I cry. MyNica has seen me do all these things and he's still around and as kind and compassionate and patient as ever. It's hard to believe that's true and that it will last, that' I'm not going to drive someone away because I'm a real woman with real emotions. So if trust fits into that, then, yes.
Isn't that the essence of trust in a relationship? That it's safe to be your true self, warts and all?
Yes. I've had a narrower definition of trust until now, I've focused more on fidelity, truthfulness, keeping promises. But that's possibly because I haven't been myself in a really long time. It's just amazing to me that I can be myself and someone will still want me.
So to put it this way, I am friendly with a few women, but I am not Friends with any of them.
So, Zues, I've been pondering this and I've wondered where you fall on social media. What if you were standing in line at the post office and struck up a conversation worth a single woman named Sunny Brook (Galadriel). And then a few days later you got a friend request on FB. Ok or not Ok?
I've been sitting with this for a bit.
I don't think it's quite fair to say 'not ok' absolutely across the board for every couple. But I don't think it's a good idea.
Times it would be ok would be if it was a business face book page, and it was networking. Or if the married couple SHARED a facebook page (which I think would be a great idea) in which case there would be full transparency and the world would know they were talking to both parties at all times.
When it's one on one I don't like it as much. I think that if the spouse is aware of the friendship/connection and ok with it, it isn't kept private, and the relationship is on solid footing, then hey, no problem by me.
But I personally wouldn't like it. Shoot, I'm not on facebook or any type of social media because I personally feel it is a melding pot for this type of thing. It is way, way, way too easy for a person to feel a rush of flattery or giddiness from someone else attention, and it is in such a fantasy setting I just think it's a very dangerous slippery slope. That's why I wouldn't want my partner having opposite sex friends on facebook or frankly even spending a ton of time there. Now, I wouldn't file divorce if she chose to do that. But it might impact the trust and comfort in our relationship. And if it escalated to anything beyond that it is the one boundary I will not tolerate being crossed. And while I wouldn't necessarily terminate a relationship over it, I probably wouldn't ever consider getting close with a woman that didn't share my vigilance towards the marriage being a sacred number one priority that demands daily attention and safeguarding.
Bottom line I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't want my spouse to, but if others are ok with it I won't dictate to them what's ok in their relationship.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
FB is a communication tools, one of many. Although social media can be a problem for some, in the same way as too much TV or online gaming is an issue. If it wasn't FB then it could be anything else. Cutting FB doesn't cut addiction or waywardness.
So let's get to the core, lack of trust of self and another. Those who are wayward are going to be wayward, those who are tempted are going to be tempted.
V has never been wayward, even after D is not wayward. I have friends of all types, ages, sexes, orientations. I believe that's healthy. My Besties at the moment are all female, both my male besties have recently died, that is a great loss to me.
Having friends only of the same sex is a problem I think. This puts pressure on your partner and it's excessive. If your only understanding of women is your partner and you have no other female go to then it might be too much.
My thinking is that limits the understanding of your partner. A man who has no female friends would be a big red flag for me. That's xWH, in his case lack of value of femails means he only sees them as sexual material or feels he can't trust himself or me.
If my partner had that attitude it would limit my life and I think a real problem.
Zues to open up your life to learn about women as friends will assist your personal growth and means your R with a partner does not have so much pressure. If you hold this for yourself and are dogmatic about keeping these rules for your partner that could be restraint on your R. I would not want to be restricted in my friendship with anyone.
I trust V, and I want to trust new partners. That's something I struggle with- trust. I am finding this tough. My view has always been to trust first until someone is trustworthy, I trusted too easily.
I do not want wayward in my life, in another partner or in a male or female friend. We do not always get what we want. One thing I know is that I am not wayward at all, my friends are friends. I have no intention of crossing that boundary when I am in an R.
Having said that my new Rs always start with friendship, these are romantic friendships when I am free to have them with those who are free to be with me.
Those are my views.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Interesting viewpoint, Zues, and pretty much what I expected you to say. But my view leans more towards V, that if secrecy and deceit are your M/O, then FB is only a tool. Although I don't spend a lot of time on FB at all, I do have male friends both single and M. There has never been anything remotely inappropriate going on with any of them. Because I wouldn't. And apparently they wouldn't either, no one has ever propositioned me on FB lol. Anyway, Zues, thanks for sharing your viewpoint, I always enjoy our conversations.
Hi Sunny. I'm a bit torn on this one but here's my take Men and women can be friends and good freinds BUT I feel it can be difficult to sustain that long term if people are single
Here's my thinking and I don't claim to be that intelligent
When we M , we have a partner that most of us trust , care deeply for and expect the R to be a two way street. If a partner is tempted or drawn to someone else , the hope would be that the bond created by the M would be strong enough to keep the attraction to someone else a simple thought that would be dismissed as soon as it arose
When single , people have no emtional ties elsewhere and a bond can develop uninterrupted and an R can flourish It might not even be a great love but situations develop and a friend ( opposite sex ) can be there and feelings can grow leading to more
In a lot of our Rs on here , the WAS didn't go to nightclubs or online dating looking for someone new , more that circumstances put someone in that position and the M wasn't strong enough to stop them. I'm generalising here and I do appreciate that but even in my own sitch WW wasn't the type to even get too friendly with men because she always felt it gave off the wrong signals to the men
I on the other hand flirt a lot but I always attempt to make the flirting so outrageous that no offence can be taken and to that end would never flirt in a situation where it might be mis understood.
When I was younger I had a friend who's sister was a model , my friend ( also. very good looking ) and his sister were adopted into a family of 3 other kids and while they weren't abused they were treated as second class citizens throughout their childhood and both had issues due to it
Steph ( the sister ) had been dating a good few of my friends over the years and she and I became very close. After one R with a close friend of mine ended Steph needed somewhere to stay and she moved in with me for a few weeks I considered her to be like a sister but after a few weeks I felt the dynamic change and so did she. One evening she acted on it and I stopped it going any further because I felt I was stepping over a line that we couldn't come back from We remained friends but never the same and loss touch after about a year
I suppose my point is friendships between men and women always have potential for more where friendship between same sex might not
Again , just my simplistic view and I recently struck up an online friendship with a very attractive blonde lady that's already getting a bit hot and heavy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (((. Hope your smiling ))))
