Moving on

[Painter]

When I see my signature, my stomach does a flip. How did this happen to me? It feels like a bad dream, a crazy story.

I need to remember that I was unhappy in my M a lot. And that I tried hard for many years to make it work, and WH didn't want to participate. I asked him to go to MC with me for years and he refused. I still went, on and off.

He just isn't able to do the work. His solution is to move on to yet another partner. It's not my solution but I got to accept that he has. He did it in an extremely hurtful manner and that's all on him.

I also think he's not healthy emotionally. Anger over me having a fulfilling job because it took my attention away from him. Jealousy of the pets because I loved on them and took care of them. Not allowing me to feel upset over his rages (let it go, it's over).

Now he has someone he thinks he can control completely, who only thinks about him, who agrees with him in everything, who puts his wellbeing and interest first and has no needs of her own. Good for him!

6 years ago, before OW, he was taking me to the dentist. I have severe anxiety due to childhood experiences. I had taken tranquilizers and was going to be sedated for the procedure. He spent the entire drive there raging at me for something I can't even remember. I begged him to stop yelling, reminded him that I had taken meds and was trying to stay calm. He just wouldn't or couldn't stop.

I know that eventually, I stopped showing response to his rages. I still reacted internally, but I developed this indifference on the outside to protect myself. He then started complaining about how I didn't show much emotion. I would strive to stay very calm and rational when he raged, and avoid contradicting him. The hardest thing was when he accused me of something that I felt was very unfair. That could get to me and make me indignant.

Let OW have the rages. They won't go away with me. They were there with exW and he also rages with the kids, so I know it's not me.

My dog hasn't run away and hid once since we left. She used to run upstairs and hide when he started, even if she was laying on my lap at the time.