14 days of sheer hell, part 7

[Sotto]

Good for you working on some goals. I'm interested in that you seem to be DBing, but do you actually want your W back? The detach section below reads like you are still very much engaged with her - but you also say you never loved her anyway?


Heres my latest list of goals... Any help to refine based on my latest introspection would help. I hit 15 of 20 yesterday.

Detach (from WW and lose control) ( I would try and phrase these as positives, rather than Do nots)

• Do not start any conversations (if you have kids together is this possible?)
• Do not let an argument spiral out of control, hold your breathe and walk away (ideally I would say practice validation here...I'm sorry you feel that way etc..)
• Do not check Tracker when WW is out (I agree it's helpful to let go of monitoring her movements. Why have you felt the need to control things in this way?)
• Do not look at phone when WW is out, she can call the home phone (I wouldn't be a dork about your mobile if you have a child together, but no need to respond to non-essential stuff.)
• Be mysterious (why bother if you don't want her back anyway?)
• Let others make their own decisions, do not control (I agree with this one!)
• Do not go schizo! (I agree with this, though a positive statement - rather than do not - would be good.)
• Do not go on forum for more than 2 hours (yes 2 hours is more than enough - if you have GAL plans you don't need the forum so much.)
• Do not react to anything anyone says or does, pause and then consider my response (I agree, plus back to the validating again. All of this is actually about responding in a more mindful way - have you looked at stuff on mindfulness?)

Improve myself (GAL)
• I need (prefer will) to go to gym at least 3 to 4 days a week. My gym bag must remain in the car so that I can simply state that “I’m going out”. (Again why bother with the mysterious if you don't want her back)
• I need (prefer will) to stop eating junk-food, and actually start eating. I need to keep healthy snacks to boost my nutrition.(Maybe, I'll cook a healthy meal for me (and child?) at least X times per week.)
• I need to do something different every wknd, for myself and with my S. (Great - though will rather than need.)
• No porn (I thought you be into porn from the way you objectify women...hmm, food for thought there.)
• Stop being so introverted, open up, speak about your feelings (learn who I am, what I need and behave authentically around others.)
• No Cursing (agree - but would love to see this as more positive)
• No Alcohol....have you had issues with your use of alcohol.

Understand boundaries and implement some
• Get Cole to react first time to discipline (that sounds like you're trying to control his reaction - remember, you only get to control you...can you rephrase this?)
• No kissing, sex, intimacy, or hugging allowed (actually, I think this is around a boundary for you and your own wellbeing, given your W's involvement with someone else.)

Appreciate the little things
• Affirm and compliment someone everyday, excluding my WW (I would lose the exclude your W - actually if she is a great parent or does something else kind, why not?)
• Show physical love (in what way and to whom?)

Hope these comments are helpful DDJ.

I'd like to see goals around some more difficult stuff for you as I think you could dig deeper here along the lines of what others have posted. You may feel you are beyond brokenness at this point, but I promise you, you have a ways to go as do many of us here.

Take care