I didn't want to love her. Why didn't i want to? Cos i didn't have to. I didn't have to love her to get what i had or wanted. I always wore the pants for sex, i needed her to initiate to boost my ego and she did it graciously. I could just go through the motions of our relationship, controlling her and our lives. I had full control. At least i thought... plus you don't need emotions when you have control.
Giving up on control is where i'm getting to, i guess you can love someone when you don't control them. I don't think that you can really do both at the same time. When one feels your M slipping, you try and control everything. When it's not slipping, you release that control. I never released it to love her in the first place.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
