Big list of things you have done! Are all of them for your sake? Unfortunately, even if you were the perfect person, your spouse might not appreciate it, or acknowledge it, yet. Keep doing the things you want for yourself, because you want to, and feel glad you made the effort.
As far as the inappropriate relationship, it's probably one of your hurdles. You'll get mixed messages about what to do about it. From personal experience, I think it will have to end for her to truly notice you. The quandary is what role can you take to seeing the end of this other relationship. I think probably not a lot. Other than continuing to offer her a better alternative in yourself.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together