WAS or what (recap for me)

[roist]

Post by zephyr 11 june 15

Although the dynamics of you situation are not as 'complicated' as some of the others here, it doesn't make your journey any less difficult. In some respects, the lack of definitive direction of your status is nowhere near easy to deal with. First and foremost...the struggle to make ourselves a better man is the same whether our wives are actively involved in an open affair or if they are not.

Your wife is still at home. Who knows what reasons, but there is a truth that I want you to understand here...you have time, but lets not waste it. You have an opportunity that many others do not have, and that is to work on yourself and continue to enjoy your family.

First things first, you need to make sure you are giving your wife the space she needs, no pressuring her, no pursuing her. This will help two fold...she needs that space to not feel trapped in this marriage any more & you need the space to help you with your attachment with her.

When you are interacting with your wife, are you listening to what she is saying...letting her speak and then validating her thoughts, keeping short replies, not trying to control her with advice (she may not want your advice right now).

When you are at home, you don't necessarily need to give her a wide berth or avoid any contact / communications with her, this actually might be making things harder. Woman needs someone to talk to (not to tell her what to do). You can be that man if she needs to listen. ask her about her day and actually give a $hit enough to listen to the response.

I am only saying this because I am getting a sense that is what you are not doing (could be wrong and just ignore me if that is the case - maybe even ask Cadet to delete this posting if I am out of line or off base).

The 37 rules are awesome for us to give our wives space and help us to detach emotionally from our wives. Nowhere in there does it say don't talk to wife or don't be kind or considerate or affectionate in any way. It is a very intricate way of reminding us that this person you are trying to reach out to is not particularly fond of you right now, lets not get in their face right now, lets ease up and let them be themselves. YOU BOTH NEED SPACE TO GROW.

As long as you are working on you, Getting OUT and trying to have a good time...finding yourself again and being (a) POSITIVE (b) KIND (c) STRONG (d) Leading by example (e)Considerate; (this works at home, school, out at restaurants, the office - everywhere BTW, not just for your wife...this is a great blueprint for interactions with everyone).

I cannot preface the WORKING ON YOU FIRST AND FOREMOST part enough though...nothing you do will matter with your spouse until you are moving forward. How many of the wives that we are here to reconnect with see their husbands as boring, fuddy-duddy, unexciting, whatever, i'd bet the number is HUGE. How many say they find they have nothing to talk about anymore outside of the children. How many say that there is no spark. how many say they are no longer attracted to H anymore...GUESS what, all those things are byproducts of us not being that energetic person we once were. when we go out and find things to do, new hobbies, new friends, new goals, dreams...whatever...look at what happens.

WE are having fun (yes...this is our goal). But see what else is there, we now have something to talk about. we now are not boring sitting at home falling asleep with a beer next to us, because we are out having a good time. We are finding things new and exciting. new friends, new relationships. We are looking good (a few new clothes, new scent really made me feel better about myself - how crazy is that - crazy enough to work...my wife has commented no fewer than 30 times in the last couple of months how good I looked or how good I smelled...more than the last 10 years combined i'd bet).

The long-winded point is these behaviors are all attractive. This is only a bi-product of the most important thing, you finding out how to enjoy your life again. I know you seem like you are stuck in a rut. Who knows what is going on in your wife's head. I do know it will drive you to depression and ultimately drive your wife away if you continue this path...I KNOW I spend how many years doing this wrong.

Again, I am sorry if I am out of line, if I have misperceived what is going on right now...feel free to request that this gets deleted...it will not hurt my feelings at all. ALSO if there are any opinions that are contrary I implore you to hear them out. you know what is best for you and your family...the choices are all up to you.

I know you are limited with GAL, but there is always a way. ALWAYS. you should have read many of the stories of folks who have made the best of things with getting out and enjoying their lives. I promise you, you cannot lose in this...YOU will come out ahead if you do this. No guarantees on marriage, no expectations on the future, but you will come out ahead.

We are here for you, hoping the best!!!