WAS or what (recap for me)

[roist]

Initial summary first outlined here in april 2015

I met my wife in college when we were both 21. She was an exchange student over for a year. She ended up staying 9 years. About 8 years in she asked about moving home to be close the her family. I agreed and took some time to learn the language.

We lived together one year in college (shared with other students) and after college we spent two years living apart due to jobs in different towns. But she came down mid week and I went up every weekend. After that I found a job in the same city and we've lived together since.

When we first met my wife said she didn't want kids or to be married.......... normal at 21. At the time it didn't bother me.......normal at 21. But I eventually did see myself married with kids.

In the first year after we moved, she said she wanted children. I was delighted. We decided to wait until I finished a course. In the meantime I proposed and she accepted, but I knew she would due to subtle hints!

So we got married, had two boys and bought a house. A big part of the deposit came from my redundancy money. I don't regret that but now wish I had kept some. Plus my wife pushed for joint accounts. So now we only have that. Not important yet but could be...

I had a successful well paid job before leaving but with the barrier of the language I didn't try to get the same when we moved. I wasn't overly into it anyway. So it was a new life starting.

All throughout our R my wife has had a lower sex drive than me, but as the years passed the intimacy waned. At least weekly (often more) at the beginning to a few times a month (around marriage). Two pregnancies interrupted that cycle and honestly never came back fully. Though some weeks we did it a few times and then a month or two could pass. Now it is over a year.

I became depressed. The more I was depressed the worse we seemed. the worse we seemed the more I got depressed. This was a vicious circle that lasted probably three years. I was dark and even suicidal (may even have done so if hadn't had my boys). The exact cause of my depression is not certain, but not one specific event.

during this time neither of us was overly happy. About two years ago my wife wrote me a note stating things were not good between us, that she had been depressed when she lost her job and that some parts of her life was not the life she wanted and she had tried everything to improve us. She said she had no solution. Maybe this was my bomb after all. I reacted as best I could at the time, hid behind my depression and wallowed. I did reply to her twice but not like I would now if I had to respond. I think now I wanted her to reach out and help me, but she never did.

Six months after the letter she asked if we could have another child. I was reluctant due to me being depressed, us not being super and not financially secure. I now regret this sorely, not because I think it would save our R, but because since I realised I would love to have another child and to experience everything fully without depression. so it saddens me to think about that and worse still that we are not in a place where we can openly discus such stuff. (I feel I can still tell her anything, but it is not the same.) I did let her know I was willing to have a child but too late. It probably was too late when she asked too, as she admitted. Late as in her age)


I snapped out of my depression last Oct and wanted to save my family. during the depression I was numb and honestly didn't care if she left. I never wanted to leave her. Had I fallen out of love with her. Yes probably. But I now have no doubt that I want her, I love her and that we COULD be happy together. I will not give up on her, us or my family.

Last oct I started a treatment a bit alternative which involved talking and energy manipulation. Regardless of the type of treatment I started it to be better for me and for my family. Part of this unblocked blocked in emotions, which I tended to keep inside.

A few weeks later I got annoyed with my wife constantly texting beside me on the couch and ignoring me. It happened to be her male friend! I put two and two together and came up with fithy three. I read the messages and was mostly harmless day to day blah blah though I was refered to as a grumpy bear. Not nice but not false either. I didn't like it all the same. I misread another message and took up completely other meaning (rereading it I admit that). I told my wife I had to go think about us and her. I said I had read her messages and did not find it appropriate. I left the house. (midnight). I didn't get far and I asked myself if running away would help our situation or if it was what I wanted. I quickly realised (15min) that I loved her, wanted us to work and the best place to do that was from home. I went to the couch (I really am spending too much time with that couch, I notice!) but my wife did not come. So I reread all her messages. She eventually did come and asked if I was coming to bed. I said I was shortly. She added that he was only a friend and she was not going to repeat that and that she was nowhere near ready to forgive me for looking at her phone. I accuse her of an affair and the biggest reaction is about the phone.

In the days that followed I did everything you are not supposed to do. We talked about us. She said she was going nowhere and when pressed if because she wanted to stay or because she had to. Bit of both was the answer. She asked for time and would get back to me. It was never said that she didn't love me, that she wanted out or what specifically she was to get back to me about. At the time I was needy and didn't give her enough space though for me it was a long time.

I continued to spy but there was nothing suspicious but that meant nothing after I had already admitted looking. Sometimes there were small bits about us, generally negative. Looking back her negative texts seemed more specifically about me back then and more about us now (as in its not me its her.... blah blah). Over time I no longer suspected EA and continued reading as a source of info on how she was thinking. How wrong is that?!

Anyway I decided I needed help just before Christmas and I bought a save your marriage program. It had a lot of similarities to DR book but not explained the same way. This helped a lot with my head and gave me the mental strength to tough it out, although I don't always feel strong. This guy suggested that it may be beneficial to let wife know about buying the program as it demonstrated an action. I let it slip. The only reaction was that it was not my place to think for her, as I said I had the feeling she wanted out. I didn't reveal any details of the program and said basically it helped me decide if it was what I wanted and that was it.

I have not discussed our R since February. I no longer need her to tell me what she feels as I have a fair idea anyway. I probably understand better than her at this stage, though I am no expert.

I take heart from the fact that my wife seems to find almost everyone not to her liking. I am not alone, though obviously feel it most. Is it a mlc, I don't know and I don't want to grasp at straws. My wife is unhappy and does seem lost. If there was another man I would probably encourage her to go if that is what she wants. It is hard to see her unhappy and do nothing about it. But she has her own path to follow, hopefully leading to the same place as mine, but not going in the same direction at the moment.

I am sure I have left out loads but that is a lot to digest. Hopefully there is enough clarity in what I have outlined to get feedback.